Men are sharing the struggles of dating and finding a suitable partner in your 30s

Dating is more of a chore.

In the age of dating apps, one might think that the process of landing a date has gotten easier. However, in reality, this era is full of people who are looking for the right kind of partner and are failing to find their match, despite having experience in dating and relationships. u/DarkGinnel tossed a question at the Reddit community where men in their 30s are welcome to share their thoughts on the difficulties they face while dating in recent times. While many admitted that dating has become more of a chore than something exciting, others claimed that they mostly encounter women who want to take the relationship way too fast or slow. Well, here are some of the best answers left behind by men in their 30s who voice their opinions on the changing dating scenario.

1. Finding someone who is not jaded.

I've never had a problem getting a date/number, but the issue is finding someone willing to invest time in a person without being wishy-washy about it or bowing out at the first inconvenience that comes their way. I just feel everyone is jaded now and the dating scene as a whole has been turned on its head since the pandemic. u/neon_metal1990. Man, I'm 37 and feel exactly the same way. Lots of date options, but no one I'd want to introduce to my mom, so to speak. I'm in Toronto so there's a massive population of good-looking women, but it's really tough to find anyone who isn't jaded. u/chad-bro-chill-69420

2. Scammers on dating sites.

Got back on a dating site out of curiosity/boredom at 39, about a year after getting divorced, and the first person to message me was a scammer looking for money. I also feel like all the dating apps kinda suck now compared to how they were the last time I was single in my 20s. Stuff that used to be free is now locked behind paid features, they force you into GPS matching instead of letting you search, tons more bots, etc. u/loki8481

3. Dating becomes less important.

Caring enough to do it. After 30-35, you find more important things in life than chasing women. u/ergoegthatis. The older I get the less I care about eventually settling down /finding someone with urgency. If I find that person, great! But I've yet to find someone that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with, that felt the same way about me, and that's okay. u/sturmeh. Got to this age range and just started to focus on what I wanted and myself. I have no mortgage, a house, a car with no payment, a good-paying job, and tons of free time to do what I want when I want. Not sure I'm in a rush to change that. If someone comes along and I fall for them, cool. If not, I'm not out there swiping 4 hours a day on apps or chasing. Life is good as is and I'd rather not be worried about the relationship failing and losing half of what I worked for. u/IgnoreTheNoisesPsst

4. Finding someone who matches your wavelength.

At 42, I’ve lived enough life to know what I am looking for in a future spouse and what I realistically bring to the table. And I don’t feel like I’m too picky when it comes to appearance or personality, but I have yet to meet a woman in my age range whose inner person and physical upkeep complement mine. I have no desire to play the field sexually and I’d rather die single than settle out of boredom or loneliness. u/JedDeadRedemption

5. A lot of people with past trauma.

It seems like most women in their 30s were hurt by someone when they were younger, and don’t want relationships/marriage anymore. u/lemonasia. I agree, I’ve chatted with a few of many who say they are either: divorced, had kids with someone who wasn’t ready for them, did stupid things in their twenties, or want to play it really slow for fear of trauma. u/thesocmajor. Also, they're looking for someone who sponsors her bills and accepts their bad moods and traumas from those experiences. u/klito22

6. Loss of traditional relationships.

Ethical non-monogamy, poly and open relationships seem to be on the rise. It sucks to click with someone and find out they have several partners and if you're not comfortable with it, it automatically makes you an insecure dude apparently. u/Dzearist. I've found the ENM crowd to have a large number of hypocrites and gatekeepers. For a community that prides itself on being so excellent at communication and honesty, there also seems to be a real lack of it in the ENM men I've talked to. Also, they are really quick to denounce anyone as "not actually one of us" if they are doing shady stuff that reflects poorly on non-monogamy/the community, as though the ENM community is completely immune from having wrong people as members. u/housewifeuncuffed

7. Women who want to settle down quickly. 

I wouldn't say this is a chore, but I've noticed that women are far more serious about settling down and wanting to get you to commit super early in the relationship. I have friends who've mentioned this too, and the friends who bring this up are usually men in similar secure, financial and living situations to the one I've been lucky enough to find myself in. Having your life in order, in your 30s, makes you a massively attractive option. Especially if you've worked out your anger issues, and have a genuine sense of respect for women in general, and your partner in particular. u/SketchyPonDude

8. The good ones are already taken.

Unpopular opinion: But I think a lot are taken by their 30's. At least most of the good ones. Married, kids, etc. In another 10yrs the pool will be better due to the higher rates of divorce I guess. Hence, people over 40 seem to be surprised when they're getting a lot of attention all of a sudden from women. u/HollowChest_OnSleeve. Women have many bad experiences in dating. And because of that see red flags in everything, even in the smallest gestures. And cause there is always another date option they walk away easily. u/RCL_D

9. Too many red flags.

I don't even know where to begin. For me, the biggest red flag is just dummies and/or weirdos. Talking to one girl on Bumble. It started out weird when I learned she used to be a sugar baby but still tried to hit me with the whole “I worked hard to get where I am today. I don’t need no man.” Sure, okay. But she was fine so I waved the red flag past. Then we were talking about exes and it came out that I’ve dated just about every race (which I never gave a second thought to) and she admitted she believed black men (which I am) should only ever date black women and we, black men specifically, should not try to get careers in art or music or sports, but we should only ever be engineers and scientists, etc, etc. It got weird fast and fell apart. u/Naked_NewType

10. Dating becomes a job interview.

Meeting women who have been dating for years feels so cold. Twice now, I've been coached about how I need to be asking questions. I said, "I just want to enjoy your company, not ask you questions." They give me angry looks. Made me want to say "Well let me tell you about what I've learned about you so far without asking questions." u/Earl_your_friend.  Yeah, it's the complete one-sided transactionality of it that kills it for me. I don't feel like going to get to know someone and have a good time, every single time it's like a job interview where I have to pass a list of red flags 3000 points long, ask the right questions and make her feel exactly how she wants to feel. u/Sheogodofmadness