This woman cut off all contact with her narcissistic parent and when her friend pushed her to reconcile, this is how she drew a boundary.
It is not easy to go "no contact" with one's parents. It needs courage and support to take this difficult step. People come to this decision after years of thinking and agonizing. A parent-child relationship is complex, especially when they are abusive. After years of disconnect, some people are against reaching out to their parents, while others favor reconciliation. One Reddit user u/OwnthrowawayFish3496 has a friend who thinks and insists that they should reconcile with their abusive family.
She asked Reddit if she was being an a**hole for how she responded to the friend. She started her post with, “I (36f) went no contact with my narcissistic family last year as I was done being their scapegoat. My friend was encouraging me to ‘call my mother and reconcile for Mother’s Day’ and I explained (again) the emotional and mental abuse I went through and her refusal to take accountability or seek therapy.”
She continued: “She then lectured me on how ‘it’s hard being a parent’ (she’s a parent I’m not) and that ‘as the eldest, you should’ve helped your mother around the house more and with your younger siblings.’ And that ‘I should let bygones be bygones and call my mother for Mother’s Day.'”
Frustrated by her friend's logic, she responded: "So you think if I had done more chores and accepted more parentification as a kid, then I wouldn’t have been abused? If it’s too hard to be decent to your kids, then you shouldn’t be a parent. Maybe u should’ve helped your abusive ex-husband around the house more, and maybe you shouldn’t have had dinner 10 minutes late, because you know his job is stressful and it’s hard being a provider and father."
She concluded the post with, “She cried and walked off. Our mutual friends agree she was wrong to pressure me to reconcile with my mother, but she ‘meant well and didn’t understand, and you took it too far.’ I did it to make a point on how abuse isn’t okay from anyone, even your parents.”
The post has garnered 24k upvotes and 2.5k comments. Reddit users could empathize with the Reddit user and came to the comment section to support her. One user, u/SkynetMCP wrote, “NTA – People really need to stop lecturing kids about reconciling with abusive parents. It seems like it’s socially acceptable to tell people who were abused that it is their responsibility to mend that relationship. Which is, of course, BS.”
u/Bennie212 chimed in with their own experience, writing: “As a [domestic violence] survivor I wouldn’t want to have it thrown in my face but with the pressure she was putting on you to call your mother I think you used the only example she could understand. I hope she realizes she is wrong to get in the middle of your family dynamics. NTA.”
While people can have different solutions to a problem, we should also recognize that every person must be allowed to make their own decisions. And as friends, we can always offer our support and care to the person in taking crucial life decisions.