Women are using the 'bird theory' to test if their partners actually care and it's very telling
The test examines how the partners react to the subject of conversation, whether they care about their interests or not.
We all like to believe that romantic relationships are made up of grand sweeping gestures; however, reality says otherwise. A recent couple's test known as the "bird theory" has been going viral among online users, racking up millions of views on social media. Theorized by couples researcher John Gottman, the test proves that healthy romantic relationships are made of little moments that build trust and bonding. Shedding light on the viral trend, clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon spoke in detail to PBS NewsHour on November 9.
The "bird theory" trend involves women sharing with their male partners about a bird they saw. In reality, for the current slew of videos, there may not have really been a bird. But women imagine one and pose the question, hoping their partner asks follow-ups. The test examines how the partners react to the subject of conversation, whether they care about their interests or not. It was developed by couples researcher John Gottman to highlight the importance of engaging with partners to foster connection. According to clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon, healthy relationships are made up of thousands and millions of micro-moments of connection that build trust, safety, and authenticity between partners. "That's what this test is about. It's a bid for connection," she said. Videos show the woman saying, "Hey, I saw a bird today," going on to receive a range of responses from "Why are you telling me that?" to "Where? What color? How'd it sound?" It is obvious which one makes the wife feel loved.
But why are couples eager to take this test? Well, Solomon believes that partners wish to know if their partners show interest in little things that bring them joy. "There's, you know, it feels really good when we notice something or we raise something and our partner turns toward us instead of, you know, looking at their phone and saying, uh-huh, or not responding at all. It's really painful. Those breaks in connection are really painful for us. And those moments of attunement where our partner turns their attention toward us feel really good," she explained. Solomon also believes that women are often seen taking this test because girls are taught to value communication as a way to bond, while boys learn to see it as goal-driven.
"So then, when a man and a woman come together in intimate partnership, there's this funny sort of paradox where she really values this interactional communication. And he may not be quite as accustomed to that. So the conversation about the bird, if he can't see the point of why we're talking about the bird, he may not be trying to ignore her or shut her down. He just isn't quite sure what the point is." A study by the University of Wyoming noted that listening is "at the heart of good communication" in intimate relationships, as it signals interest, respect, and caring, and helps one partner tune in to the other's real thoughts and feelings. The viral bird test reflects the idea of being an attentive listener and engaging in seemingly small conversations because they are powerful indicators of emotional connection in relationships. It is the value of follow-up questions, even when the subject isn't interesting or urgent, that demonstrates how partners react to our 'bids for connection' and ultimately shows us the health of the relationship.
More on Scoop Upworthy
Relationship coaches share 11 things to know about one's partner six months into a relationship
Dating experts analyze and explain how 'orange peel theory' might affect relationships
Share on Facebook
