Woman seeks advice on how to deal with husband who has been babied by his mother all his life

Sharing household responsibilities benefits everyone in a relationship, but one woman has had a different and disappointing experience with her husband. Reddit user u/Fantastic_Guess1918 shared that in the 10 years of her marriage, she has done all the household work. Initially, she hoped her husband would take on some responsibilities, but that never happened. Exasperated, she turned to the internet for advice.

She began by explaining that they have been married for over 10 years, and she only recently understood the term "weaponized incompetence." "I spent the first several years of our marriage begging for the least bit of help, promises were made and always broken," she wrote. The 28-year-old then went on to talk about how she grew up in a household where she was one of three kids. "We learned how to share responsibilities at a young age and always worked together to keep the house nice," she revealed.

On the other hand, her husband grew up pretty much like an only child because his sister was 10 years older than him. The key difference she saw in her and her 33-year-old partner's upbringing was money. "He grew up with a maid and anything the maid didn't do, his mother did. He had no chores, no responsibilities," she revealed. The woman then spoke about how she was young and naive when they got married and assumed he would grow up with time.

She hoped that he would share the housework and not leave her to do everything. The wife wrote, "I honestly didn't even expect 50/50. I would have taken 90% if he'd just done 10%. He did nothing. I mean nothing. I didn't want to put up with it and I tried my hardest not to. We argued about it all the time." Cut to the present where she doesn't feel like arguing much because she feels like a part of her has "given up." She mentioned that she has severe depression and was diagnosed at the age of six. That was another reason she felt hurt because her husband was aware of her struggles but still didn't pitch in. 

The woman revealed that their house had fallen into disarray because she couldn't keep up with it. She wrote, "It's a three-bedroom because our plans were for two children. It's just us and our two cats. Why? Because I couldn't raise a child on my own. Married but in nearly every way I feel single. I feel alone throughout everything all the time." She went on to share an instance that happened recently. She said that after she gave him an "empty threat of divorce last week," he got up and did the dishes.

She was shocked as he had done this for the first time but soon enough she was disappointed again when he asked to get appreciated for doing the chore. She revealed, "Now every argument sounding like, 'Hey, let's not make a Mountain Dew can pyramid next to the bed?' or 'Can you stop shoving food down the sink drain that has no disposal? because the entire house smells like rotting food now?' Always ends with, 'But I did the dishes!'"

The wife also went on to explain his work situation. She said that her husband got a job at his mother's business when he was 16 in a position that she created for him. "She has paid him weekly regardless of whether he shows up or not," she shared. "For the record now, he hasn't been to work in nearly a year, so I don't want to hear that, 'He has a job and you're at home' because no, he does not."

She expressed that she felt like she was in a bad place and felt completely trapped. The woman emphasized that she didn't want to leave and that she wanted things to get better. She concluded by saying, "I want him to hear me. I want him to care about how stressed I constantly am. I feel like I am starting to harbor resentment and I just don't know what to do. Please help." The post garnered about 2.5k upvotes on Reddit and is captioned, "My (28F) husband (33M) has been babied by his mother all his life and now it's ruining our marriage, what can I do?"

People in the comments advised the wife to leave her husband and to get a job to become independent. u/Important-Ad3344 commented, "He's not gonna change after 10 years. It's best to file for divorce and move on. It sucks, but he's not going to change at this point." u/ladyjanea wrote, "Have him pay for a maid to do his half of the work and stop arguing about it. That’s the only way to continue the marriage. If he has 'don’t go to work for a year' money, he has housekeeper money."

u/catscausetornadoes shared, "Step one: Get a job. Able to leave is able to negotiate from strength with a partner. As long as you sit there saying, 'I have nowhere to go!' You are giving him all the power. Open a private account, and put your pay there. Maybe if you’re gone eight hours he’ll get irritated enough to wash another dish." u/Capable_Garbage_941 said, "This is a huge part of why my marriage failed. He would not change. It was too much, especially once we had children." u/Elegant_righthere wrote, "He is not going to change. You've begged and pleaded and argued. It's been over 10 years. He doesn't respect you. The only way things will get better for you is divorce."