Woman explains why it's okay if adult children aren't on talking terms with their parents

Very often we are told that we need to end relationships with those who are toxic to our mental health. What if those people are our own parents? Many adult children are frequently asked how they were able to cut out a toxic family member and maintain "no contact" with them. One TikTok user justifies why we shouldn't judge or shame someone for cutting ties with their parents—let alone suggest they reconcile—because you don't know the half of it.

Chassity Marchal (@chatswithchass) explains that going "no contact" with her mother was not an easy decision for her. She attempted reconciliation with her mother several times, but the patterns of mistreatment persisted. Marchal stated that she chose herself and her boundaries, and she is not ashamed of it. 

Marchal began her video by stating that someone told her "her mom isn't guaranteed tomorrow," implying that she should continue to communicate with her toxic parent. Marchal provided a clear example of why that notion was absurd, stating that if she posted a video detailing her husband's mistreatment and abuse, people would not advise her to correct things with him or suggest reconciliation.

"I have boundaries. I'm not going to let people treat me just whichever way they want to treat me. Also, keep in mind that being in no contact with my mom was not an easy decision for me. It is not something I wanted to do or that I took lightly. I am not happy about it. I don't want to have this sort of relationship. I don't want to be doing this. But I am also putting myself first and doing what I feel is the best," she added. 

Many commenters agreed with Marchal, stating that it is not a child's responsibility to repair what their parents have done to them. Some even shared their own experiences with toxic family members. "It is NEVER the child’s responsibility to 'fix' relationships with parents. It’s the parent’s/caretaker’s responsibility," commented @christianbisme. "It’s always 'but that’s your mom' and never 'you’re their daughter, how could they treat you so badly?!'" wrote @mollyboom20. "My mom passed away. I am still healing from the hell she put me through 22 years ago," shared @jessica_leigh_foodie. The video captioned "Just because someone is 'family' doesn't mean they can treat someone anyways they want," gained more than 700 thousand views. 

TikTok user Ollie Quality (@equalityalley) stitched Marchal's video and highlighted the mental, spiritual and physical damage a child goes through before making this decision. He agreed that no child would consciously choose this path and that parents force children to be in a position where choosing their mental health would imply setting this boundary. He emphasizes how difficult it is to make this decision and how children understand how much difficulty their parents have faced.

He says, "We understand that our parents did not have the resources that we have; we understand the trauma that they have gone through. However, that does not excuse the fact that our parents are choosing to believe that their actions of emotional, physical or spiritual damage do not have an impact on us."

He goes on to describe his own experience with a toxic mother, who mocked him during one of his most difficult losses. His mother's relationship caused him to have physical reactions such as panic attacks, shaking, night sweats and an inability to be present in his romantic relationships. For this reason, he was forced to go "no contact" with her. He explains that more than money, children need their parents' love and respect, especially after communicating that they're going through a tough time in life. "But that’s your mom, dad, sister, auntie. But who am I? Do I matter in this equation? If I don’t matter to them, then I have to matter to myself," he adds.