Woman asks if husbands demand to put her 'small bonus' in shared account is wrong

Financial independence is crucial for individuals and even more so for married couples. Managing finances as a team is ideal, but what happens when one partner dominates financial decisions? This question became the center of a heated discussion after a 30-year-old woman, u/throwra_progress_449, shared her story on Reddit. She sought advice about her husband insisting she deposit her "small bonus" into their shared bank account, sparking a broader conversation about fairness in marital finances.

"Husband and I are/were in a traditional relationship. After we got married, I became a stay-at-home wife who took care of his parents in their 70s/80s with poor health. We planned to have two kids," the wife started her post. After years of being a homemaker, she took up a receptionist job as her husband, a "blue-collar worker," asked her to help share the house payment. However, things took a turn for the worse when, despite working for 30 hours a week, she had to take care of her in-laws and do the majority of the household chores alone. 

This dual burden of work and caregiving left her feeling underappreciated, particularly as her spouse remained resistant to lifestyle changes or seeking more lucrative employment opportunities. She wrote, "My husband works 60 hours a week. He makes more than I do, but I still feel it's unfair. He says, 'We can't afford anything. We live very frugally.' I am frustrated and upset he won't budge about our spending or consider getting a new job. He was the one who wanted a house and a car and now I have to work to the bone for something I didn't want."

Despite everything, she managed to keep her calm and continued doing double duties. However, when she received a bonus from her job, the woman was taken aback at how things unfolded. She wrote, "I got a small bonus of $300 because my boss said I was doing a very good job. My husband told me to deposit it in our shared bank account. I don't want to. I want to spend at least some of my bonus on myself." She wanted to spend her bonus buying winter clothes, some skincare and makeup products as she was running low on them. But to her shock, her husband dismissed her by saying, "They're not necessities."

Exhausted and frustrated, she added, "I'm sick and tired of doing everything and having the one nice thing rewarded to be taken away too. We are annoyed at each other and won't budge. How do I make it clear I don't want to share that small bonus since I never get to do anything even when I've earned it?" she concluded her post. Several people expressed their opinions about the incident in the comments.

u/rainmoearts wrote, "Just because someone is your husband or wife doesn't give them the right to control you." u/old-assistance-2017 commented, "You're a stay-at-home wife, but you work 30 hours a week? If you're working, it's your money too and you have the right to use it. You guys don't sound like you're in a fair marriage. He's controlling your finances. Open a separate bank account, if you can bump up your hours to a full-time position. Save the extra money and put it away."

u/Immediate_mud_2858 wrote, "You need your own bank account that he doesn't have access to. Lodge it there." Similarly, u/not-my-turn wrote, "It seems like you're working at least as much as your husband when you include working, chores and taking care of his parents. So, if he can justify a car, you should be able to keep the $300. Maybe spend what you need on winter clothes and skincare and take him out for dinner if there is anything left."