Wife matched her husband’s effort after years of trying — and her husband immediately assumed the worst

Relationships need work, but when one person keeps pouring in all their efforts while the other just savors and does not reciprocate, it can be draining in the long run. When a Reddit user (u/throw__yourboat) was tired of putting efforts into her marriage for years, she decided to match his level of efforts. However, she was accused of cheating by her husband, and this reaction infuriated her. Sharing her ordeal on December 5, the Reddit post gained over 7,000 upvotes.

u/throw__yourboat and her husband have been together for 20 years and share 2 kids. "We were past the toddler stage, and I tried everything I could think of to get it back. I communicated clearly, patiently, and consistently," she wrote. While her husband kept telling her that they were happy, the reality was far from his version of the truth. "HE was happy because I was going to great lengths to make him feel loved and appreciated and nurture our relationship, and he was doing nothing in return," she added. The wife consistently tried to maintain their bonding by encouraging his well-being, planning dates, creating small rituals like 'no phones in bed,' cuddles, and even making a love-note jar, only for him to dismiss her efforts and never engage.

Eventually, the couple fought over the issue, and the wife realized that she needed to match his level of effort. "This was all about 1.5 years ago. And while I didn't drop off all effort immediately, I found a new balance for myself," she wrote. While the author began taking her self-care journey seriously, their marriage began to drift apart. However, the husband noticed the pattern and decided to shift the blame to the wife. During his birthday week, when the husband realized that his wife had not planned a surprise for him, he began to accuse her of cheating. The husband took her focusing on herself and getting fitter as signs of cheating, by checking her sex toys and underwear for "proof," though she was only buying her usual pairs and simply still had a normal sex drive. 

While she laughed at the accusation at first, she later grew angry at her husband's reaction. "First, that he's capable of researching and paying attention to the relationship only when it's negative. Second, that he violated my privacy by looking at my underwear and toys," she wrote. She added, "But mostly because it was clearly all a lie. He did need a relationship and to feel loved and desired, and just didn't want to do any of the work and preferred to make me feel crazy rather than put his phone down and engage with me."

Dynamics like this often show up in relationships long before they completely fall apart. A 2016 study by Susan Sprecher analyzed whether unequal effort in relationships directly causes distress. To find out, participants were assigned to write about a past time they were underbenefited or treated fairly. Those who recalled being underbenefited reported the most distress and the lowest relationship satisfaction, while those who recalled equitable moments felt the least distressed. The study notes that perceived inequity can actively lower satisfaction in a relationship. The wife experienced similar distress and lowered satisfaction after she constantly poured efforts while not receiving anything in return.

Soon after the post went viral, many users shared their thoughts on the situation. u/No_Independent8042 wrote, "I would also say that he told you he didn't need the effort. And you were made to feel needy, so now you have re-focused that energy to self care." u/Sea-Ad9057 commented, "Did you ask how long he was cheating because he said everything you did or didnt do were classic signs of cheating so by default doesnt that mean he was cheating the whole time." u/Spoonbills wrote, "He believes he has a right to your emotional and physical labor without reciprocation."

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