Wife refuses to pay for her rich in-laws’ retirement home, calls 20-year-long commitment ridiculous

Maintaining strained relationships with people can be challenging when they expect you to help in need, but do not reciprocate the same helping tendencies. When a woman and her husband moved out of their in-laws' house 15 years ago, they swore to never keep in contact because they refused to help them. Years later, the in-laws now expect their elder son and his wife, u/Routine-Leg7691, to fund their retirement home, but she refuses to oblige. Sharing the story on Reddit, the author sought advice from online users on November 13.

A 45-year-old couple moved away from their families 15 years ago. The wife, u/Routine-Leg7691, and her husband share two kids who are autistic and have created a good life for themselves. However, it wasn't easy. They never received any support from the husband's parents, while the wife's parents continued to support them financially. "MIL and FIL have built two houses, one for them and the other for their younger son (who stayed, to live close to them). They also bought a car for him and raised/supported his kids. I, on the other hand, did everything myself: raised the kids, homeschooled them, managed all the doctors, maintained the house... so that [my] husband can build a career. With my family's money and his skills, he built a good business," she wrote.

Fifteen years later, her in-laws now wish to move into a retirement home, and expect them to fund it. "They could easily sell their house to pay for this, but they want to leave it to their younger son since he's kind of a deadbeat. Hubby wants to commit to this (he's sensitive to his mother's wishes), but I am against it," she added. The author feels that the obligation to take care of her healthy in-laws might fall into their hands. "The fact is, the deadbeat brother will quickly sell their house once they enter that retirement home, so they'd not be able to go back to their house. Hence, they'll be our obligation for the next 20 years down the road. I am not ready to commit to this since our kids might need a lifetime of (money) support due to being on the spectrum, while [husband's] brother's kids are fine."

Additionally, the author's parents have so far contributed more than half a million dollars to support their family, while her in-laws chose to ignore their needs. In a 2017 study by Bournemouth University, it was found that narcissistic parents tend to use manipulative parenting strategies to meet their needs. The study also notes that narcissistic parents may be emotionally unavailable or even exploitative, rather than nurturing — perpetually seeking to fulfill their own desires ahead of anyone else's. Soon after the post went viral, many users weighed in on her situation.

u/Spiritual_Truth_5152 wrote, "NTA and this is a hill to die on. You have a husband problem, not an in-law problem. Somewhere deep inside, your husband wants the love and attention his brother receives and your husband may think that this is how he gets it. You and your husband need to be on the same page and he needs to deal with his parents. It is not fair to make you the bad guy in this situation." u/Expensive-Milk1696 commented, "Tell your husband before he pays for his parents' retirement home, he can pay your parents back over half a mil he had off of them. Once that is paid, then he can pay for his parents’ retirement home alongside his divorce." u/Lopsided_Ad2082 shared, "Nta. You have a husband problem. I would also find a way of securing funds for yourself."

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