Harvard professor reveals why most people choose a gross partner over a secretive one

It is often advised to put your best foot forward on a first date, and that includes dressing right and saying the right things. Therefore, honesty may feel risky on a first date, but what if vulnerability is the key to a genuine connection? This very question about honesty was explored on a recent podcast episode of the 10% Happier, where host Dan Harris (@danharris) spoke with Harvard Business School professor Dr. Leslie John about the surprising social power of oversharing. 

In the episode, Dr. Leslie John discusses a question that changed the way she perceived honesty. In fact, to illustrate the idea better, the Harvard professor walks listeners through a thought experiment by inviting them to imagine a dating scenario. “Imagine you are choosing between two different people to date. You talk to one of them, and you ask them, ‘Have you ever had any STDs?’” Although Dr. John acknowledges that the approach is shocking, the goal is not the question itself but how one responds. She then describes two possible reactions. One suitor might respond bluntly, saying, “I have had so many STDs I can’t even count.” Meanwhile, the other refuses to answer altogether. With that in mind, she leaves listeners with a burning question: Which suitor would be the appropriate choice?

While Dr. John notes that neither person would actually be a good dating choice, she revealed that most people still favoured the one who answered honestly as opposed to the suitor who chose to stay silent. The experiment led to a simple conclusion: Much of dating comes down to trust. Human beings often deem the secretive person as untrustworthy and sometimes even view them with contempt. So when faced with uncertainty, many would rather choose someone who reveals the worst possible things about themselves. She added that such sentiments are not limited to dating but can also be seen among recruiters. The professor further explains how the refusal to share one's STD history could just stem from finding the question intrusive, yet people don’t trust someone who cannot relinquish control, or worse, evades an uncomfortable truth about themselves that could change everything.

Research such as Chen et al.’s 2024 study, “Reciprocal Self-Disclosure and Interpersonal Trust,” also found that trust increased when people exchanged personal information in a back-and-forth manner rather than when disclosure was one-sided. However, a survey issued by Lemonade uncovered an uneasy truth about dating and secrets. Turns out, one in four people has kept a secret from their significant other even after moving in together. Among them, 33% were Millennials, while Gen Z, a generation that often prides itself on being the most “open,” reported that 27% still keep secrets from their partners. Baby Boomers proved to be the most forthcoming, with only 11% saying they hide information from their partners. The survey further found that just 43% plan to reveal their secrets eventually, though 68% admit they feel guilty about keeping them.

The comment section was an array of mixed emotions. While many agreed with Dr. John’s revelation, others were quick to say how the question was a bit offensive, and how someone’s openness cannot be judged through such a sensitive topic. For example, @debbiebridge.ca said, “I think it’s a bad question in the first place. All you need to know is if they currently have an STD. Get tested. Their past is their business.” @jsmith.flsv commented, “Being forthright is a mark of authenticity, though this was a strange experiment to show it!” which shows that although people expect authenticity during dates, some truths are just too personal to be forthright about.

But it does leave the audience with a strange dilemma. How much honesty is too much honesty when establishing a relationship? And whether surrendering completely is the only way to prove authenticity to a potential partner. 

You can follow 10% Happier (@TenPercentHappier) and Dan Harris (@danharris) on YouTube and on Instagram for more lifestyle content.

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