We’ve always told kids 'don’t be afraid' but one dad says why it's a mistake — and what we should do instead

Many children are too afraid to face their fears and it eventually boils down to their hesitation to take the first step to overcome that unpleasant feeling. Sometimes, even parents push their kids too much and their anxiety becomes a recurring behavior pattern whenever they try to do scary tasks. To uproot those triggering points from the very beginning, a dad took a unique route to deal with his daughter’s fears. The advocate of “negative reinforcement,” Darius Ryan-Kadem—who goes by @dariusryankadem on TikTok—recently shared his approach to encouraging his preschool daughter to do something she fears. In an eye-opening video, the content creator demonstrated through an experiment how his little one finally dared to slide.

It all began when the little girl was clinging tightly to the edge of a slide, gripping the metallic frame with her tiny hands. Every time she wanted to slide down, nervousness about not landing safely kicked in. This hesitation pulled her back again and again, even in her dad’s presence. “If your child is fearful, stop telling them: ‘There's nothing to be scared of,’ ‘You can do it,’ ‘Just try it once,’” the parenting expert was heard saying through a background voiceover. “Instead, use negative reinforcement.” Darius explained how this could help in reducing the unpleasant stimulus that is causing a child to go through emotional discomfort such as fear, anxiety, or distress.

When Darius asked his daughter to take a leap of faith and slide, she seemed apprehensive. “Go, go, go,” he encouraged the little girl on the edge of the slide to take the plunge. “I don't want to hit my head,” the little girl responded, stuttering. Instead of trying to comfort her or woo her with some incentives, Darius asked his daughter to fully articulate her fears. “I could have said, ‘Oh, but you've done this before. Come on, I'll hold your hand; let's do it together. Don't be afraid, it'll be fine. I'll give you a sticker if you do it.’ All of which are great examples of invalidating her fear.”

“Are you worried about something?” Darius asked his little daughter. At this point, she expressed her fears, admitting innocently, “I’m worried that I’m going to faceplant into the rocks.” Her admission prompted Darius to offer what he described as the “paradoxical intervention.” “I think that might happen if you're leaning forward, you faceplant,” the dad told his daughter. Moreover, he was clearly agreeing with her fear to reduce her anxiety. To help her overcome her fear, the expert claimed to have planted an insight by suggesting an alternative way to slide. “Not just through words, but by demonstrating,” Darius remarked, further showing her daughter the safer way to slide. “What if you lean backward like this? If you were like this? Look. That way you won't faceplant,” he added while sliding down himself.

The “non-intrusive approach” from her dad enabled the preschooler to come up with a different solution creatively. The little girl slid successfully with her back facing the sky. “I chose the method of negative reinforcement to remove this fear, offering her a solution by showing her rather than explicitly instructing her. Teaching a child to evade their fears undermines its significance, while guiding them to accept it gives them the power to remove it,” Darius concluded, inviting reactions to his video. “Parents should have to take workshops! This is amazing parenting and most of us are not raised this way,” @lc7412345 suggested. “You have positively and fundamentally changed how I parent,” @user86128675460221 lauded.

You can follow Darius Ryan-Kadem (@dariusryankadem) on TikTok for more parenting content.