Trauma therapist reveals why conflict makes adults act like kids and her explanation hits hard
Kids with chilhood trauma grow up to become perfectionists and people pleasers, he said.
Devin Brooks (@talk.trauma), a trauma therapist, in a video, talked about how childhood trauma can have a lasting impact on kids, and it's something all parents must hear. He mentioned trauma during a child's developmental stage, i.e., 7 to 12 years of age, leads them to grow into individuals who are people pleasing, hyper-independent, and more. Brooks posted the video on November 11.
He said that during this stage, children begin developing relationships with others and see themselves as social beings. So kids who have experienced trauma during that stage grow up to become perfectionists and people pleasers. "If a child receives emotional responsiveness in really inconsistent ways, then they may try to control that and the perception of themselves through being perfect by being the good child," he said. The therapist further mentioned that if there is consistent neglect, abandonment, and constant being let down by the adults during the developmental stage, then the child may also develop a sense of hyper-independence and helplessness.
In that process, people who have often gone through negative experiences become so hyper-independent that they refuse help from anyone and feel hopeless about it. Moving on, Brooks explained how, when bad things keep happening to kids and the people they love, they unconsciously develop "internalized shame." They start to feel like there is something inherently wrong with them. They start disconnecting from the world, and their playful part disappears. Brooks also said that adults around such kids make remarks that they are more mature than their age, and don't understand the real reason behind the shift.
Meanwhile, reacting to Brooks' video, @quitdietcoke commented, "This is me 100% - father was abusive, violent, coercively controlling, mother parentified me and used me as emotional support. My father used to tell me I was 'a little old woman.' The marriage lasted until I was 17. I'm in my late 40s now and have reached a point where it is all starting to catch up with me. We really need to start understanding that 'mature for their age' isn't a good thing for a child, it's a warning sign than something has gone wrong."
@to.color.the.wind wrote, "In 2nd grade, I literally decided I would attempt to 'be perfect.' I thought I was already pretty close — always the best grades in the class, always being a helper, doing everything my crazy mother wanted exactly the way she wanted it. I was always overperforming. So I buckled down and attempted to be perfect, making no mistakes. This went on for over half the school year… In late February, I was digging in the dirt at recess and accidentally cut my hand (badly) on a piece of glass buried in the dirt. I was so upset with myself for having made this critical error and failing to be perfect that I tried to hide my injury. Ended up bleeding all over the desk and having a nervous breakdown in the nurse’s office. So yeah. Real deal. In hindsight, this was the year before my parents split, and I was probably trying to compensate for the stress at home. And of course, most of this behavior ties back to the abusive mother. I could never have a want/need to express myself, so the only perceived course of action was to make myself as perfect as possible."
You can follow Devin Brooks (@talk.trauma) on Instagram for more trauma-related content.
More on Scoop Upworthy
Filmmaker animated their childhood trauma — but ended up accidentally healing the family
Trauma psychologist discusses the ideal gift that parents can give to their children
Share on Facebook
