Therapist's take on why men are not ready for modern relationships sparks online debate

Sustaining a marriage takes effort from both partners, but many women still find themselves carrying a larger share of the responsibilities. Erin Spahr, a therapist who specializes in supporting mothers, shared a viral video on Instagram (@feminist.mom.therapist) where she sparked a lively conversation about how men often aren't prepared for modern relationships. In the short clip, Spahr appears silently on screen as text overlays highlight her message. 

"This might sound blunt, but I’m going to say it: our society has not prepared men for modern relationships," the text overlay in Spahr’s video states. In the caption, she shared that 70% of divorces in heterosexual marriages are initiated by women, emphasizing the need to address this imbalance. Spahr explains that men often fall short of meeting the expectations of today’s women, who want a partner that shares the mental and emotional load of parenting and household work. "It’s no longer enough to just be a nice guy with a paycheck," she adds.

Spahr argues that many women are stuck as the default parent or what she calls a "she-fault" parent. As a result, they feel burnt out and resentful towards their partners because they don't take enough responsibility for their children. Couples in troubled relationships do not discuss marital concerns with one another and many women feel like a "married single mom." "I think it’s time to acknowledge that men have not been taught to value and learn social and emotional skills the way that women have been taught. These soft skills are becoming necessities to relationships with partners and kids and many women are giving up on teaching their partners how to be in a relationship with them," the caption stated.

Spahr clarified that she did not post the video to criticize men but she hopes it provides them a wake-up call. She wishes men in modern relationships to "catch up" to women in terms of skills like empathy, emotional regulation and healthy communication. Spahr, who is in her 40s, had a chat with Newsweek about this topic which has resonated with many women in her audience. "While women were taught that we could be in the workforce and raise children, men were not prepared for what that would mean for them," Spahr remarked to the outlet. "Today's mothers shoulder most domestic labor, mental load and child care responsibilities, in addition to many working outside of the home."

"While men are often more involved in domestic responsibilities and parenting than their fathers, the bar is still pretty low," she concluded. "They aren't matching the investment in their partnerships and parenting skills the way that women are—and we're seeing the impact of this disconnect." The comment section of her video was full of polarizing arguments where some people disagreed with Spahr's explanation. @superdrewc quoted, "Funny how magically all the blame seems to fall on men, no accountability." @drmorgancutlip wrote, "Our standards have shifted, we’ve raised the bar and men are asked to level up. It’s a big ask but as they do, it will transform relationships." @char_latte7 added, "Another piece of the puzzle is previous generations of parents saying 'Boys are so much easier to raise than girls!' That’s because parents weren’t teaching them about emotional intelligence or how to be a collaborative partner, etc. Oh AND as long as they are doing more around the house or parenting than their fathers did, they feel like it’s a lot. And none of this is any individual’s fault."

You can follow Erin Spahr (@feminist.mom.therapist) on Instagram for more videos on family and lifestyle.