Therapist shares 10 best ways to respond to an apology when it actually isn’t okay

Forgiving someone who might have hurt you is not an easy job. It is as difficult as mustering up enough courage and putting your strength aside to apologize to a person. A millennial therapist named Jen Nobo—who goes by @jen.nobo on Instagram—is sharing how to respond to people politely when they are apologizing to you. According to her, it is not important to use "it's okay" as a response to everyone's apology when in reality there was nothing okay about the ways they hurt you.

"Do you find yourself saying it's okay when in fact it is not okay?" Nobo wrote in the caption of her video. "Here are some other ways you can respond." She then proceeds to list down ten effective answers that can be the perfect substitute for "it's okay." Her video consists of a short footage where Nobo is pouring some hot water to make coffee and the video continues to play on a loop. “Thank you, I am hurt and needed to hear that,” the first response reads. “I appreciate your apology. I need time to sit with it." "Thank you for taking responsibility. I love you."

She then wraps up the list with the remaining suggestions for answering a person who is apologizing to you. “I accept your apology and need to see some changes moving forward." "I know apologizing isn’t easy, thank you for owning that," the list goes on as an overlay text on the video mentions that the 5th response is her favorite one. "I appreciate hearing that. Let’s move on." "That hit me hard. Thank you for apologizing." "I forgive you. I hear your apology and want to talk about the impact of what happened." "Thanks for apologizing. I know everyone makes mistakes or has off moments.”

The last response reads: “Your apology means a lot. What do we need to do to help prevent this from happening again?” Nobo reminds everyone that when they say "it's okay" then it kind of gives others a free pass to repeat the same behavior. "Using options like these instead will help communicate clearly that someone has crossed a boundary or hurt you and that you are not actually okay with the behavior happening again. If not saying 'it's okay' is hard, boundaries might be hard too," her post concludes. Many came forward in the comment section with their favorite responses.

@momofsix2 commented: "Taught all my kids to say 'I forgive you'. You don’t forgive somebody for them; you forgive someone for yourself!" @rachel.stmpk.pinkerton wrote: "Don't forget 'thank you for apologizing. I forgive you, and I'm not able to have you in my life any longer.' Not every apology means they get access to you again." @paul.candice recalled: "I remember a family member trying to apologize over attacking me. I refused to talk to her and her husband was like 'she feels bad and needs to apologize' and my response was 'that's nice but I'm not ready to hear it.'"

@sauntering_downstairs remarked: "I don’t think anyone needs to sugarcoat feelings when feelings have been hurt. All of your list is fine, it might work for most scenarios. But I couldn’t help but feel it was overly sugared for some of us. I’m a direct person. If I’m hurt, I will express it. Being gentle in itself is like saying 'it's okay.'" @_meddi_ added: "As someone who was on the receiving end of one of these, I honestly really respected it. And I was glad that they were able to stand their ground and tell me that they didn't forgive me. I didn't say that to them, because that would make the conversation sound patronizing towards them. But I honestly was really proud that they let me know that they appreciated the apology but didn't forgive me."