Therapist explains the underlying issue behind unequal sharing of household responsibilities

Recently, there has been a surge in divorce filings due to women finally calling out the incompetence of men when it comes to basic household chores. It seems like this is the age of women making boundaries and respecting themselves. While this increasing rate of divorces may seem like something that could be avoided by more men doing the dishes or a load of laundry, a therapist feels otherwise. Lin, a therapist in training based out of Los Angeles who goes on TikTok by @thegentlecounselor, talks about how incompetence in the house is just the surface of a deeper, underlying problem.

She believes that men who do not help out at home do so not just out of mere laziness but due to a lack of emotional intelligence. She started her video by saying, "I've said it before, and I'll say it again, and I'll say it a million times until the day I die. My expectation of a healthy partnership is not equally dividing tasks. That's the bare minimum. We live in 2023." She then boldly adds, "What makes me want to be intimate in a relationship is emotional intelligence." Lin goes on to talk about all the videos of people she sees online, wherein people are talking about how wanting to be intimate is dependent on how much someone contributes to the household.

However, she had a little something to add: "But putting your clothes in the hamper and running errands and putting the dishes away, that doesn't make me want to be intimate with you either." She strongly believes that the bigger problem isn't the refusal to do chores, but the absence of emotional intelligence. Lin further explains: "I can't be intimate with you if I don't feel safe with you. I need to be able to come to you and tell you that I'm struggling with something. I need you to not have a childlike reaction. I need you to be able to process what I said and validate what I said and then communicate healthily."

She states that when people with emotional intelligence watch their partner working around the house for them, they would want to reciprocate. Lin adds: "Because there's no way that person would see you working hard, raising their children, cooking dinner, cleaning up, and not want to help you. They would experience things like gratitude and empathy and appreciation, and they would want to match that energy." 

Focusing on men's incompetence at household work instead of their lack of emotional intelligence is like trying to cure a symptom instead of a disease. Lin says that with an emotionally intelligent and available partner, one wouldn't need to fuss over household chores because such a partner would willingly want to contribute. As it is clear by now, it is not about the inability to help with household chores and errands. It is about the absence of wanting to help.

Lin also mentions the importance of an emotionally intelligent partner because only then will they emotionally regulate your children as well. She concluded her video by saying: "Tell me what y'all think because I am always open and willing to learn. But I do think it is going to be hard to convince me otherwise." The video has gone viral and gained 1.6 million views and 174.5k likes. Moreover, people on the platform were quick to share their views. @mrsc416 said, "And you've nailed what my husband fails to understand about our relationship now. I don't feel safe because his EQ is brutal and he fails to change."