A dad asked his four sons what they disliked about him — their identical answers stopped him in his tracks
Barber confessed that the 30-day challenge had sent him on a 'Hero's Jouney'
Do you love your dad? Nearly every kid will say yes. Because that’s what dads do, most of them at least. One father is trying his best to examine the father-child relationship by pulling out cues from his children. In a video posted on March 20, 38-year-old Pat Barber (@thefathersguild) documented his experience on a 30-day challenge he took up to implement the things he felt he needed to change to become a better father.
A father of four sons, Barber uses this forward-facing journal as an outlet to put out his thoughts and psychological musings, sharing bits and pieces of his parenting journey. This particular video is a follow-up to a video he posted three years ago, featuring his children who shared what they hated the most about their dad. The goal was to pick lessons from their conversations and apply them to his fatherhood journey.
He threw the sentence “I hate it when my dad…” at the participating kids and asked them to fill in the blank. The responses ranged from as serious as “yelling” to as cute as “farting.” Every parent has their own set of challenges that they face with their kids. For Barber, yelling seems to be one of the top challenges. He confessed that he sometimes uses yelling as an outlet to get his kids to pay attention. After listening to his kids' responses, he took up a 30-day 'no yelling' challenge. He decided to use a small dollar tip as a 'fine' each time he yelled at one of his kids. “If I yell, I owe the person I yelled at five bucks."
In the latest video, he said he learned a lot from the challenge. Two lessons, mainly. To begin with, he learned to “create a space” and take a pause between when his son does something and when he reacts. It allows for time to process the situation instead of immediately reacting, which often leads to negative conclusions. Speaking of the $5 fine, Barber noted, "Kids will not try to milk you for money." That is, they won't present more destructive behavior just to push you to yell.
Lastly, yelling doesn’t make one either stronger or weaker. The challenge, he confessed, seems harder in the beginning, but if one implements it consistently, it brings about “more ease and well-being” than one could have ever imagined. While many men might find not yelling "effeminate," Barber dismissed any negative connotation of it.
Doing this sent Barber on the path to becoming a better parent, and he's beyond happy to have taken the plunge.
A study published in the International Advanced Research Journal in Science, Engineering, and Technology affirms Barber’s thoughts with the term “The Father Effect.” Researchers stated that the presence and role of a father are not limited to being a “breadwinner” for the family. A father’s involvement in a child’s life determines whether they will grow into confident adults or unstable children in adult bodies. A father’s presence influences everything from the child’s intellectual development to gender-role development and psychological development.
Barber says he’s an entirely different man than he used to be before taking up this challenge, something he calls his “Hero’s Journey.”
"I don’t know," he confessed, "if I am a good father, but I know that I can be better." The trick is to choose one’s reaction instead of simply acting out of “default emotion,” as many viewers put it. “Kids need support and love, not fear,” asserted @lululu_ivegotsomeapples. And if nothing works, then “the tool is obvious. Farting,” suggested @killthenoise.
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