Single mom says she doesn't date single dads as she doesn't want to parent again, sparking debate

In the age of swiping right and left, people have specific priorities when it comes to dating. While some requirements on these "checklists" make sense, they’re not always understood by others. For some, these criteria can mean endlessly searching without ever finding the right match. Facing this dilemma herself, a “hyper-independent” woman in her forties—who goes by u/Professional-Pace416 on Reddit—shared her reasons for choosing not to date single dads.

“When I was 22, I had two kids under the age of 2 with my ex-fiance. I came home from work one day after picking up the kids from daycare to find my ex had left. Took all his clothes, our emergency money, and every piece of electronics from our apartment and left,” the mom started her post. She reached out to everyone she knew for months until her ex-fiancee’s sister told her about him dating another woman simultaneously. “His affair partner had graduated from college, got a job offer across the country, and he had moved with her. My oldest was 1.5 years old, my youngest was about three months old, and I was a single mom by the ripe old age of 22,” she wrote, adding they never heard from him since.

Managing all the parenting challenges single-handedly, the woman decided to try her luck again in the dating world. This time around, she had her own terms and conditions. “They wouldn’t meet my kids until we had dated for at least six months and were seriously talking about a future. I would only go on a date after the babysitter and I put the kids to bed at 7:30 pm and had to be at home by 11:00 pm to relieve the sitter,” she added. With no room for spontaneous adventures in her life, the woman was left by men who complained that – (a) She did not put in enough effort, (b) They weren’t ready to become dads in their early 20s and (c) They were unwilling to parent another man’s kids.

The then 25-year-old lost all hope and quit dating before moving into therapy. She took night classes at a community college “instead of spending money on sitters to go on dates.” Additionally, the single mom turned all her energy toward giving her kids “everything they needed.” Describing the struggle years as crazy times, she remarked, “I scratched my way up the corporate ladder. I got a higher education. And when I wasn’t at work or school, I was with my kids.” It helped her form a friendship with her kids, with the three of them going to movies, salons, and therapy together. Playing both the roles of a dad and mom came with a cost: she had a “zero” social life.

The only friends she had were her kids and they liked calling their trio the “Three Musketeers.” Her therapist warned her about being a “hyper-independent” woman who deliberately put pressure on herself to not need anyone for anything. All the hard work had an amazing outcome, with her two children growing up into “wonderful” adults with successful careers and relationships. “They are smart, responsible, and the two most amazing people I have the honor of knowing. But, like most adults in long-term relationships and good-paying jobs, they moved out,” remarked the alone mom, adding they occasionally talk every two days. Her children had a “come to Jesus” talk with her six months ago.

They expressed concerns about their mom spending too much time alone and wanted her to start dating again. It prompted the woman to find the love of her life. Furthermore, she stated on dating apps that she was not looking to have more kids. Yet, a majority of her matches are single men with younger kids, aged between 4 and 14. “I explain that I’m not interested in dating someone with minor children. They get angry at me since I’m a single mom, and I should know how hard it is. They get mad when I state basically the same things I heard as a single mom in my 20s,” she added.

“They wouldn’t have time for a relationship. I don’t want to go back to a parental relationship. And I don’t want to parent another woman’s children,” she emphasized. She gave an example of a man who said he met his kids every other weekend, which seemed like a major turnoff for her. Yet, she said, “They can’t seem to understand that I’m done. Like ‘done’ done raising kids even on the perimeter.” Moreover, she had reached the “Promised Land” and was not ready for dates getting canceled due to matters related to kids. “I don’t want to figure out schedules or plan kid-friendly stuff on vacations and such. In my eyes, if you’re a parent Wednesday through Saturday, you’re also a parent on Sunday through Tuesday, even if the kids aren’t with you,” the woman claimed.

Out of many men she met online, one got angry at her outlook on things. “He said I must hate dads since my kids’ dad left me. I asked him if, when he was in his early 20s, would he date a single mom?” “He said no, but this is different. I said, ‘Just because you were 24 and I am now 44, nothing is different. The same reasons why you wouldn’t have dated me, I don’t want to date you,’” she informed. She further revealed the man called her a “hypocritical bi***.” The woman is now seeking advice on whether she went overboard with her demand of not wanting to date single dads, sparking reactions on social media. u/Chance-Internal wrote, “You’ll be a 'b****' either way, and any dude acting in such a way isn’t worthy of anything but a block.” “Absolutely, don’t waste your time on them. You’re clear about what you want, and them being annoyed that they don’t match that,” u/financiallysoundcat added.