Relationship coach, Erin Bentley, reveals what actually causes divorces and it is not bad communication, but something that goes beyond it.
We have all read articles or social media posts on how communication is the key to healthy relationships. However, a TikTok user and a relationship coach reveal how it is not communication that leads to the breakdown of relationships. In a video, Erin Bentley—who goes by @totalrelationshipcoach on TikTok—explained that in his experience as a relationship coach for 16 years, he has been studying relationships for three decades and knows how they can fall apart. He said the notion that communication problems can result in a divorce is "a whopper of a stinker of a myth." He agrees that communication is an important part of relationships, but he adds how most couples struggle with the purpose of communication.
"The purpose of communication isn't communication," Bentley says in the video. "It's connection." He discusses how for communication to happen, one must be ready to improve their connection with their partner. "That is what makes a relationship happy, secure and fulfilling and can help you avoid divorce." He also discusses how we can communicate better with our partners and even improve our connection with them.
A key part of this communication would be to really listen to our partners and their deeper needs and desires. He asks us to look carefully at the statements, questions and complaints and look for "the deeper need underneath." He also discusses how we can also discuss and "check in about what you suspect they need" by letting them know what we think they need. Hereon, we can "invite them to share how they feel about that" and "listen actively and make amends. Then take steps to change the behavior."
According to him, communication is essential, but people should understand the basis of it and how it connects people's relationships with each other. The video is being widely appreciated by social media users. @rosenferg commented, "'Behind every complaint is a wish,' really made me understand people better and helped me rephrase things for myself." @hollymawkins shares, "Communication without the desire for connection is so tiresome." @danipen21 wrote, "The purpose of communication is connection! So simple. Gaslighters don't want a connection. They want control and primacy." @ibsorensen expressed, "May I add to your understanding the honest connection is not possible without trust."
@airwrecka_1 wrote, "I want to be heard this way. I feel like my partner has no desire to listen to me. If I have a gripe, I agonize about how I can convey it in a way." @mblgd1980 shared, "Yup. That's exactly what caused my divorce. We couldn't find a connection."
It is true that without making the other feel seen and heard, we cannot have a productive conversation. Such videos are essential as they do not just emphasize the value of communication but also on getting the desired outcome of increased connection through these conversations. It is crucial for any relationship and for this reason, we cannot appreciate this video enough as it will lead to more people learning how to communicate better.