Can AI replace humans in love? A psychotherapist explains why humans still have the edge over AI
As Perel noted, 'To want something idealized, that has no ripples, is not the best way to learn about love.'
One of the bittersweet characteristics that defines love is the pain that sometimes comes with it — be it through grief, unrequited love, letting someone go, or in any other way. Psychotherapist Esther Perel sat with Nadja Spiegelman from @nyopinion to talk about the power of love.
In the clip shared on February 5, the duo spoke about AI’s role when it comes to love and relationships. Sure, it can offer great perspectives and communication, but Perel noted that this silent power of the fragility of human love is something no system can replicate. And the wounded in love can’t help but agree.
Spiegelman made an honest yet touching statement, “With AI, you are never bearing a scar.” That’s when the therapist joined in and said one of the traits of love is “the fear of loss.” “The moment you begin to love, you live in the parallel of the possibility of losing it,” she pointed out. Think of any relationship. A pet parent and a dog, a father and daughter, friends, siblings, partners, everyone is afraid of losing their person in some way. And this very loss is what pushes us to love harder, to decide when to go all out and when to hold back. It is the idea of this loss that decides when an argument requires explanation and when it requires silence.
A favorite Lukas Graham song, “Love Someone,” has the heartbreaking lines, “All my life, I thought it’d be hard to find the one till I found you, and I find it bittersweet, ‘cause you gave me something to lose.” In the chorus of the same song, he boldly declares, “If you love someone and you’re not afraid to lose ‘em, you probably never loved someone as I do.” And with AI, you don’t learn about that loss. As Perel noted, “To want something idealized, that has no ripples, is not the best way to learn about love.”
That’s when the interviewer put forward a mysterious question: If AI can offer unconditional love, then why do we still crave the conditioned love from humans? Perel had a beautiful reply to this. “We need suffering to know happiness,” she remarked. You won’t completely understand the joy of winning until you’ve lost. You won’t understand love completely until you grieve, long for, let go, and live without it. However, humans crave this “perfect” love. According to a survey by Vantage Point, 28.16% of Americans have an intimate or romantic relationship with AI.
More than half of Americans claim to have some kind of relationship with an AI system. Of all platforms, ChatGPT was reported as the number 1 space adults claimed to have a relationship with. This was followed by Amazon’s Alexa at number 3, Apple’s Siri at number 4, and Google’s Gemini at number 5.
Another study by Harvard Business School was done on Replika, an AI platform that is described as an “empathetic digital companion to combat loneliness and provide emotional support.” Launched in 2017, the app had 10 million users by 2023, out of which 40% claimed to have a romantic relationship with it.
But what is love if it doesn't get personal, make mistakes, and grow out of it? The therapist explained that humans aren’t able to offer unconditional love because none of us is perfect. “We are flawed,” and how do you give something perfect if you’re not perfect? “We make other people mad, sad, cold, hot, funny, irritated,” and that’s all part of the journey, Perel explained. “Part of love is the ability to accept that, not eliminate it,” she added.
If you don’t have that argument, you won’t have that conversation that expresses love, rekindles passion. If you don’t see them walk away, you won’t realize how badly you needed them to stay and actively work on things. Love was never meant to be just the petals of the rose; it was meant to include the stem, leaves, and sometimes even the thorns.
As assistant professor Renwen Zhang, who studies human-computer relationships, shared with BBC, “People can temporarily escape from the messiness of human relationships and find some comfort from AI – but in the long run it does not help develop communication skills and the skill to maintain relationships in the real world," she says.
@Lsoaps11 wrote, "We must be present in tough emotions so we can love fully." @saricooperofficial added, "Once you have had good enough love and support, you will have learned how to regulate oneself to the disappointments of real love with real people."
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