Psychotherapist says couples embracing uncertainty have more fulfilling long-term relationships

Uncertainty in a relationship can be uncomfortable for many, as it has the potential to either make or break things. However, those wanting their relationship to thrive—not just survive—also seek a sense of spark and intimacy. While these concepts may seem unrelated, psychotherapist and author Esther Perel (@estherperelofficial) argues that they are deeply connected. Perel shared her insights on fostering intimacy in relationships during an appearance on the Rich Roll podcast, hosted by Rich Roll (@iamrichroll on TikTok).

"If you keep doing things that you are comfortable with and you enjoy, they are cozy, they are familiar, you strengthen the friendship dimension of a relationship, which is huge," Perel explained. "But if you say, I don't just want to survive, I want to feel alive in my relationship, then you need to do something different than just the familiar and the cozy." She added, "That means new experiences that involve risk and active engagement with the unknown and the novel, curiosity, playfulness, all of that." The psychotherapist explained, "For some people, that's travel. For some people, that's getting into a thing together that they never did. For some people, it is the one thing that [they] always wanted to do and never got to."

"I mean, it is different things, but they involve a meeting with yourself and the other in a new context that reveals new things about yourselves and about each other," Perel concluded. In the post caption, Rich wrote about Perel, "Through her uniquely multicultural lens, Esther highlights how embracing uncertainty—rather than hermetically sealing ourselves from it—might be the key to sustaining desire in long-term relationships. Our conversation charts new territory in understanding modern love—from friendship to long-term partnership to the nature of desire itself." He even pointed out, "We go deep into the vicissitudes of human connection, examining how our quest for security often sabotages the very intimacy we seek." People in the comments expressed their thoughts on the subject and shared their own experiences.

@styleandlongetivity wrote, "Constantly trying to be exciting can end up being a 'JOB.' Life gets in the way. It's not always about the two of you. Many couples are content with occasional excitement." @gaudymitch commented, "Does parenthood count? About to embark on that one and it fits much of what she said but is often painted as the death of a marriage." @ninilejbu5h remarked, "In our 23 years of marriage, my husband and I had so many struggles to build us a future life, a better version of us for our girls. We worked so hard, there was no time to feel cozy."

@mountain_lion555 shared, "That is our struggle... wife has issues with unexpected things... so if a new thing doesn't go as 'expected,' she gets upset and ruins the whole thing for herself." @glowbubblesup expressed, "What if it's his work and wants to experience memories, travel, events…? He never initiates but judges me for being boring even though I suggest so much." @tonieverard disclosed, "We both love adventure, it definitely makes our relationship more connected by sharing random experiences."

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