Psychologists reveal ‘green flag’ that can predict your relationship's success — but you have to pay attention
It only shows up when the going gets tough.
We often look for the green flags in a potential relationship from the first date on. Even the little things seem to pass off as something noteworthy and rightfully so. One must have hope. However, in the long term, when you consider marriage or even building a relationship that lasts, you need qualities that get you through the tough times. Baya Voce, a relationship expert and TED speaker, shared one such “green flag” to identify in order to bring success to a healthy relationship, per CBNC's November 27 report. She noted that this is different from the others and doesn’t really show up in the flowery and colorful phases of being together — often known as the 'honeymoon phase.'
Voce mentioned that this sign is often underrated but accounts for a “resilient and healthy relationship." It is “mutual influence." The term was discovered by married psychologists Drs. John and Julie Gottman. The whole idea of mutual influence, as the name suggests, is to allow your partner’s habits, perspectives, and ideas to shape and transform you to a certain extent. The highlight is the “mutual” part, which requires a duo to work together and contribute and receive equally, so both feel seen, heard, and understood. Voce noted that this green flag can be noticed only when things get hard and differences arise. That’s why you can’t figure it out at the very start of a relationship.
A lasting relationship requires shared power. According to Gottman Clinic, Dr. John has one piece of advice about this concept — “Find out your partner’s subjective reality and validate it.” This is often hard to do because it’s not always easy to see eye-to-eye, especially since we all have our own beliefs, values, and mindsets. That’s where mutual influence comes in. To allow oneself to tap into their partner’s views and try to meet somewhere in the middle. As the Gottmans suggest, “Don’t wait for your partner to tell you what to do; look around and see what needs to be done and do it.” As the experts quoted in a video on Instagram say, "It's thinking for two."
A study conducted in 2020 on around 320 couples revealed the lasting impact of mutual influence. Couples who validated their partner’s opinions and tried to find a connecting point showed a higher depth of emotional security and thereby stability in the relationship. On the other hand, the couples who sidelined the mutuality found that their trust and connection seemed to wither over time. A couple’s therapist, Jeff Pincus, noted, “When men are able to allow themselves to be influenced by their partner, they take a significant step in moving their relationship forward towards greater happiness and satisfaction while becoming more mature and secure in the process.”
Voce shared a few ways couples can practice or incorporate mutual influence. Simple things like: “Setting your phone aside when your partner says, ‘I need you to really hear me right now.’ Going a different route on a road trip because your partner feels anxious about traffic, even if you think your way is faster. Switching off the lights when they mention they have a headache.” The most important part to note is that mutual influence does not mean letting go of oneself and one’s values completely. It is co-existing together. Ask, discuss, talk it out, practice, and find your mutual ground to build one another up, because what is love if it doesn’t make you a better person?
You can follow Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottoman (@gottmaninstitute) for more content on relationships.
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