They blamed themselves for their mom’s death at birth. Then another mother spoke the words her mom never could

Losing a loved one without closure often leaves behind guilt. A user who goes by u/iamyeetlord shared a comment under a post from u/Flash_Dimension, asking people to share “dark family secrets.” They mentioned that their mom had passed away shortly after they were born, and for a long time, they never knew why. Much later in life, they learned that she died of cancer after her body grew weak due to pregnancy and the mammoth task of delivering the child. It was shattering news, and for the longest time, the now-grown child was struggling with guilt until another mom stepped up and responded to the comment with words that changed everything. 

The user mentioned that their mom passed away a few months after their birth. When they enquired, they were constantly given some random reason. “Whenever I asked how she died, the answer was that she passed away in her sleep and no one knew why,” they said. Only a few years ago, the person discovered that their mum had cancer while she was pregnant with them. Under these trying circumstances, she decided to continue the pregnancy and give birth to her child. “Giving birth to me severely weakened her and eventually led to her death,” they mentioned. Ever since learning the truth, they were heartbroken and considered themselves to be the reason for their mom’s death.

“I don't think I'll be able to ever forgive myself because from what I've heard from everyone, she was a damn good woman,” they remarked. Words can’t possibly heal a pain like this, but a fellow mother’s love did. A woman who goes by u/Jamie-Vu wrapped a mother’s perspective in soothing words and said, “If I know anything, I know that yours would tell you this if she could. So I'm gonna tell you for her.” She added, “She never regretted it. Not for a second. You are made of everything that was best about her.” She confidently wrote that even though cancer may have taken the mother's life, having her child was undoubtedly the “proudest moment” for her. 

The woman further explained that her last moments, though in pain, also held peace because she knew “you would live on where she couldn't.” Sharing a message to the person, she said, “Sweetheart, you have nothing to forgive yourself for. You did not take her from this world. You are how she remains in it.” In yet another comment, the grieving person mentioned how life would have been so much better if they hadn’t been born and their mum still had been here. In response to this, the mom said, “I know loss can keep us mired in the past, reliving and what-if-ing. What-ifs don't do us much good.” She added that if they had to keep guessing, they should think about positive “what-ifs.” 

“What if the cancer still grew, just a little slower? What if she still passed away, but your dad didn't have a brand new baby to pour his grieving heart into and remind him that life can still be beautiful even when it's tinged with loss?” the woman asked. She continued with a list of these guesses to show how their mother's sacrifice wasn't in vain. She even urged them to take time out and think about these things. “I bet your mom would rather you what-if your way into tomorrow, without feeling guilty for a yesterday you had no control over,” she said. A study was conducted on adults over 18 years who lost a loved one to understand how the psychological processes evolve after grief. 

It was noted that guilt, anger, shame, and similar negative feelings are often a part of the grieving process. Among the top feelings recorded was rumination — a person having repeated negative thoughts about the past or, in this case, related to the passing of their loved one. This feeling was also associated with emotions of guilt and grief that led to distress. It was also noted that guilt was one of the most “salient” emotions, commonly reported by the bereaved. However, the study cautioned that over time, careful acceptance and management are also necessary to complete the grieving process. 

Sharing advice that felt like a hug, the woman assured, “It's not on you to fix everything for everyone. Sometimes it's just showing up every day. Sometimes it's just being there. As long as you can do that, you're doing your mother's memory proud.” Many people appreciated the mom’s advice; it was life-changing for many. u/klaw14 said, “You're a good soul. The world needs more people like you.” u/ghostintherafters added, “What-if yourself in the other direction, homie. You were meant to be here. You're here for a reason. A very loving one.” 

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