People who left toxic relationships share 7 lessons on learning to trust and love again

What People Learned From Their Toxic Relationships 

Being in a relationship can be a beautiful thing. You share your precious experiences with someone whom you deeply care about and feel close to. But humans are not perfect and the same extends to our relationships, making them unhealthy sometimes. Often, things can go terribly wrong and individuals are left with no choice but to end their relationships. Sometimes, there is one primary reason for people calling it quits, other times, they have a multitude of them. Reddit user u/Mehgs_and_cheese asked the community about the things they had to unlearn when they started anew and how they learned to trust and love again. Here are 7 of the most insightful answers that people had to offer: 

1. Relationships should bring happiness

I had to unlearn the idea that relationships make you unhappy. I know this sounds really stupid now but it wasn’t until my therapist mentioned to me that my relationships are supposed to make me happy, did that become a thought for me. It was something that simply never occurred to me before. I just accepted that this is the way relationships and marriage were supposed to be. I don’t think I ever had proper relationships modeled for me. That’s something I had to learn. u/ceradocus

2. The right person will show up 

That there are women worth waiting to find who will actually be kind, caring, helpful, affectionate, and who will reciprocate in all of the ways. I spent years dating women who were just bad companions because I figured that “well, I guess this is just how it is”. No. It’s not. Another bonus: It is FAR better to be alone than it is to be with a toxic partner. u/minuteman_d 

3. Being afraid to express thoughts

Everything. And it still is a struggle at times even years later. She was emotionally abusive and had pretty much torn me down to the point that I started to believe that I was basically worthless. I've questioned decisions, been afraid to express my thoughts, and developed anxiety over long pauses in communication with people. It's been a struggle to rediscover who I am and to realize that I have worth. I still often pass when asked, What would you rather do?" because I was so used to being told that my choice was invalid. I still worry that if I've been messaging someone and they suddenly go quiet it is because of something I've said. u/Greymalkyn76

4. Only time will tell 

That normal relationships don’t start off with a bang! If someone portrays you as a perfect or dream person very early on, agreeable, does everything you want and more, recognize that they are merely mirroring you and you need to take things slowly. The first 9 months will reveal who they truly are. And when it does come out, believe your gut and run! I wish I cut her off instantly when she revealed that she had a planned trip with a guy friend and she didn’t see any wrong in it while in a committed relationship with me. I should have dropped her there and then, instead of giving her a chance to come around her decision to go. u/the99percent1

5. Refusing to trust people 

I went through a short phase for a few months or so after my toxic relationship where I wanted nothing to do with love or companionship. I was extremely distrustful of people who showed romantic interest in me, thinking they'd treat me similarly. The turning point for me was spending time around friends of both genders and realizing that was only one bad relationship out of many good relationships full of trust, respect, and love I've had. Next time I just need to pay closer attention to the warning signs to avoid that happening again. u/Exotic_Pause666

6. Learn self-love 

That I have to love myself first and be happy on my own. I was too invested and too scared to be alone in my previous relationship because I didn’t think I could find another partner if I left. I thought it was dumb luck when I met my ex who was very loving early on but showed who she was towards the end. I have to reconcile with the fact that I have attachment and self-esteem issues to fix and that I need to learn how to be independent with or without a relationship. u/ggmuqi

7. Constantly being scared 

Had to unlearn that intimacy is always a bad/violent/negative experience. Had to unlearn that I am dumb/stupid (still insecure about this s***). Had to unlearn fear when I heard the door unlock and they were home from work. Yes. That feeling. And you quickly want to drop whatever you’re doing and you know, whatever you are doing isn’t gonna be the "right" thing. You can't win. Right, now when I hear the door I’m so happy and excited and pumped. It’s night and day. Beautiful. u/VeganEgon