Mom says many men dream of having kids without actually wanting to be a father

Children bring immense joy to their parents’ lives, often giving them a sense of purpose as they navigate the journey of raising them. For many caregivers—particularly men—having children is seen as a significant milestone in starting a family. However, a recent video by Abby Eckel, an “honest motherhood” advocate and self-proclaimed feminist who goes by @abbyeckel on TikTok, challenges this perspective. Eckel urged fathers to be more nurturing in their parenting approach rather than treating fatherhood as merely a box to check. She also called out a societal double standard, where some men want kids but avoid taking equal responsibility for raising them.

In her video, Eckel criticized inattentive dads and husbands who push for big families but fail to step up when it comes to the actual work of parenting. She emphasized this as part of a larger double standard, saying, “Men are taught to want kids, but not how to be dads.” As a mom herself, she highlighted the gap between the desire to have children and the readiness to nurture and raise them. “There are lots of men that want to have kids,” Eckel said, “but there are fewer men that want to be dads.”

Eckel also pointed out that it’s crucial for women to understand the difference between these two mindsets, noting that while the desire to have children may be common, the commitment to responsible fatherhood requires intentional effort—and they are not the same.

Furthermore, as part of her critique, she observed that the male gender is conditioned to think of kids as some form of their legacy carriers. “A man that wants kids, he’s thinking legacy,” Eckel said, pointing fingers at the misconception surrounding the idea of becoming a parent. “He’s thinking carrying on the family name, having little mini-me’s running around, having kids running around, the milestones, the highlight reel,” Eckel added. She further claimed that only a handful of men carefully think of fatherhood as a 24/7 responsibility, bearing the kids’ all whims and fancies. “Very few men, though, when they think about, ‘I want to be a father,’ are considering the daily grind,” remarked Eckel, shelling out some examples of actual parenthood.

She elaborated on the day-to-day tasks, like the “midnight feedings,” “the diaper changes,” “the to-and-from of the inevitable sports they’ll play,” and the countless other responsibilities that come with raising children. Additionally, Eckel explores the more profound question of why males develop this type of thinking. She blames it on the outdated social norms when she refers to the environment in which a male child is raised. “We bombard boys with messages about being providers, protectors. But when was the last time you actually saw a boy being taught how to nurture? How many young male babysitters do you have on your roster? I don’t have any,” the mother asserted, asking people whether they see little boys walking around with a baby doll, feeding her, and changing her diaper in their surroundings.

“So, before you have kids with a man, watch how they handle responsibility. Do they take initiative on things or are they always sitting back, waiting for you to tell them what to do? Do they notice what needs to be done without being asked? Because wanting kids is about the destination; having kids is about the journey,” Eckel concluded, inviting reactions to her nearly one-and-a-half-minute eye-opening message. @rebelisabeth assumed, “I heard someone say that men want kids in the same way that children want a puppy.” “My ex told me that he wanted kids as soon as possible, and I laughed in his face and told him that he can’t even bother to take proper care of himself,” @misstealeaves suggested.

You can follow Abby Eckel (@abbyeckel) on TikTok for more uplifting and parental content.