Mom explains why parents should establish some boundaries with grandparents, sparking debate

Relationships are complicated. These complications are enhanced when priorities are not clearly on the table for both parties. A woman—who goes by @highwaistedcookie on TikTok—highlighted the issues that can be brought on by misunderstanding boundaries especially when it comes to grandparents. In the video, she emphasizes the importance of respect on the part of grandparents when they interact with their kids or grandkids. They shouldn't try to fulfill their wishes and position themselves at the center of everything. She believes that they should take into consideration what the other party wants and not use tactics like guilt to get everything as per their desires. The video garnered mixed reactions with some understanding her point while others suggesting she also shows some flexibility.

The woman in her bio describes herself as an “off the cuff” stay-at-home mom and cupcake artist. On her account, she has a series titled 'Grandparent PSA,' in which she gives suggestions to grandparents on how to manage their relationship with their kids and grandchildren. The video was made following a disappointing visit to her husband's parents. It all began with a message from her husband's stepmother. She warns the viewers that as grandparents this is a thing that you should never say, “‘Well, we wait all year for this.’”

The mother finds this undue expectation hypocritical. She explains her feelings in detail by saying, “Well, I call bullshit. When you say things like, ‘We wait all year for this’ because that statement is so manipulative on so many different levels. You, as the adult, are now making yourself the center of attention, and if that doesn't make sense, play that back and kind of sit with it for a minute.” In her opinion the visits should cater to the grandchildren, they should be the center of attention as well as priority and not the grandparents.

The mother shares that when grandparents or adults begin to sideline the needs of the young ones for their selfish motives, that is the moment they lose all respect. She brings to attention the compulsion parents feel in regards to including grandparents in events, even when the latter makes it hard for them by making everything about themselves. The mother calls the desire to have everything cater to themselves by grandparents selfish. She unabashedly shares her belief, “If you're sitting there trying to get 900 pictures so you can feel good about your absence and not listening to the parents and trying to dictate plans and you don't care if a child is tired or overstimulated or anything because you the adult want all of these things from a tiny human, you have a really big problem."

The mother adds that she or her parents like her do not want to reject the unconditional affection provided by grandparents. They do want the help and support but not at the cost of their authority being disrespected or the wishes of their children being thrown out of the window. At that moment she believes it is justified if the parents want to bow out and take their babies. She states, "We're not here for the outdated rules that put us under this thumb of insane expectations that put mother-in-laws, grandmas, and grandparents at the center of a universe that truly needs to focus on our babies.”

The comment section was divided, but most of them appreciated the mother for prioritizing her child in all situations. @nicolekittler who is on the same boat as the TikToker writes, "We always have to repeat to my MIL 'the children’s needs outweigh grandma wants.'" @justamomwhoneedsanap puts forward her opinion, "They like the idea of being a grandparent more than actually being a grandparent."

Editor's note: This article was originally published on September 2, 2023. It has since been updated.