Mom explains why daycare’s refusal to accept her husband as primary caregiver reveals a deeper issue

Many people still believe moms are supposed to care for their children as primary caregivers. They expect mothers to be the main point of contact and address all needs and issues related to a child, even when families make it clear that they do not embrace traditional caregiving roles. A mom shared a similar issue about her child's daycare on social media. She voiced how the daycare always called her, despite her husband being the primary point of contact. The woman, Dr. Raina Brands–who goes by @RainaBrands on X–also addressed the deeper issue behind this practice.

"Our son has been in daycare since the beginning of the year. If he is sick and needs to come home early, they call me. If they want to give him paracetamol, they call me. If he has injured himself, they call me. So what?" the woman wrote. "I have repeatedly asked them to call my partner first. I have asked them to put a note on my file about that. I have asked the manager. Today they called and I asked them to always call my partner first and two hours later THEY CALLED ME AGAIN," Brands revealed.

"What makes this more absurd is the fact that my partner has always been the main point of contact! He filled out all of the forms, he did all of the settling-in sessions and he drops our son off every morning. But they are incapable of viewing him as a primary caregiver," the mom pointed out. "When I say gender inequality is a self-reinforcing system, this is what I'm talking about." She also clarified, "Leaving aside 'women are nicer than men,' which is a gender stereotype in and of itself... My partner is the nice one in our relationship. There is no world in which I make people more comfortable than he does or in which I'm liked more than he is."

The post sparked a conversation on the topic, and Brands was glad that at least that came out of it. The thread received over 18k likes and nearly 3k reposts. People in the comments had mixed opinions on the issue highlighted by the mom and shared their thoughts and experiences. @mikesalguero wrote, "Imagine being the man in this equation! As an involved dad, I am constantly looked over or dismissed by doctors, schools, etc, until mom is in the room! The gender bias has a negative effect in the other direction, too!" @kammiemcarthur commented, "This has happened to me throughout my son's entire childhood, even with repeat reminders because I used to travel so much. It extends to healthcare. My partner will call the doctor and they will call me back." 

@mdbaur remarked, "Seriously? This is what you complain about? At least the schools are calling someone in your house out of concern for your child(ren). Sorry, they're inconveniencing some by calling the 'wrong parent/caregiver.' I'm stunned by these comments. STUNNED." @rchws4444 shared, "To be fair, I don't think it's always about gender. Both my wife and I repeatedly asked my kids' school to call me first and not her, but no matter how many times we said it, they kept ringing my wife first. They claimed it was what was on the forms, but I kept copies and it wasn't." @JoanMonin revealed, "Thanks for raising this. There is also light at the end of the tunnel. My 9-year-old always tells school only to call my husband because I’m a scientist doing important work and probably in the middle of a meeting." Responding to the comment, Brands wrote, "I sincerely hope these are my son's first words."