Men share 10 unspoken rules for a successful marriage and it's eye-opening

The complexity of marriage

In every marriage, there exists a set of unsaid rules that both parties follow to reduce conflict and maintain harmony. These rules may consist of certain expectations and behaviors that couples tend to follow, based on a sense of mutual understanding and love. Even though these rules are not explicitly shared, they go a long way in ensuring the stability of a marriage. People who have just gotten married might be confused about what to instill in their lifestyles as a couple. Thankfully, Reddit user u/soul_sucker asked a helpful question to the community about what these rules were. Here are ten of the best insights that men on the platform had to share: 

1.  Pick your battles 

Choose your battles. No two people agree 100% of the time, and being able to evaluate how much weight a disagreement should have is an undervalued skill. That said, it's easy to slip into a pattern of one person getting their way most/all of the time, because that person overreacts, and the other is trying to keep the peace. This quickly leads to a very toxic and one-sided dynamic... Giving in because most things 'aren't a big deal' seems to make sense at that specific moment, but when you look back, it's a trail of aggression and giving in that led to a wreck of a marriage. Unfortunately, many people equate a ‘successful’ marriage with a long-lasting one, and don't prioritize a happy and peaceful marriage over stacking anniversaries. u/ProbablyLongComment

2. Help out in any way you can

All the roses and poems in the world are a wet fart if you aren't a full partner in the daily monotony of living. Do the dishes, wash and fold the laundry, go grocery shopping and cook meals, take your kids/pets to their appointments and activities. Both of you do this. Thank your partner when they get to a task first, and make sure they aren't getting to it first more than half the time. And I guess the unspoken foundation for the above advice is, only marry someone if you want to do all that for them. u/withgreatpower

3. Some days will be challenging

It is not always 50/50. If you feel like in the aggregate you're not getting enough from your partner, that's an issue, but the reality is sometimes one person needs more. Sometimes neither of you has enough and you just have to go into survival mode for a while. Don't keep score, don't hold it over the other person's head or make yourself a martyr. You need to get to a place where you genuinely want the best for each other while recognizing and communicating what you need as individuals. u/bjankles

4. Observe the signs 

When she asks if you want fries, she wants fries. You need to order fries for both of you. Does not matter if you want fries. If she asks if you are cold - it means she’s cold. If she asks if you are concerned about something it means she’s concerned about that thing. My relationships changed for the better when I figured this out and learned to see those little 'questions' as actual requests for fries, or thermostat control or to engage in real communication - as opposed to saying I’m not cold, I don’t want fries or I’m going to dismiss your concerns because you thought those were all innocuous questions. They’re not. u/10202632

5. It's a team effort

A lot of people think of marriage as a dance, with one partner leading and the other somewhat following. My wife and I prefer to think of it as being tag-team partners in a pro wrestling event. Sometimes I’m the one in the ring (like when I was working and in grad school), and sometimes it’s her (like when she took on a big work promo). Either way, the person who isn’t in the ring is there to support the other 100% and get their back when they need it. This theory has been really helpful for us and positions us as more of equal partners than other examples I’ve heard before. u/ianj85

6. Learn to let go

Just let it go. The b*****it of 'never having to say your sorry' is half true. The really big fights in my 22-year marriage and 25-year-old relationship were mostly resolved by silence. It’s okay to be mad and it’s okay for someone to be mad at you. You don’t have to RESOLVE everything. The closest we ever came to divorce was after a tough time and we made the god-awful mistake of going to therapy. We were way more pissed after someone pointed out what a******s we were both being. Just fight it out or sleep on it. But in the end, let it go. u/mustbeshitinme

7. Attack the problems, not each other

You can't have any kind of contempt for your partner. Any sort of negativity, make peace with it immediately. For example: I'm a neat freak and my wife is the messiest, most unorganized person I've ever met. But I have made peace with it because I love her and she's good to me. I clean up her messes because they only bother me. u/branmanrt

8. Marriage is a subjective experience

There's no magic pill for this, everyone is different. For me, I feel safe and secure waking up next to my wife. She's my best friend. She stands up for me and says she's proud, and I hope I do the same in equal measure. We stand together on how to raise our kids, we like and hate the same things -- but we also have things like music and films the other can't stand. Mutual respect, mutual understanding, and above all, for me, and I hope for her too - a realization that I wouldn't want to spend my life with anyone else. u/Newsbunny-1

9. Be clear about finances

Have joint bank accounts and sit down every month to review your budget. Have a plan for your money that you both can handle and stick to it. Personal accounts are fine, but all income should be shared and then portioned out. I had to insist that my wife and I join our bank accounts. Her parents have an absolutely disastrous relationship with money so it was difficult for her to concede, but I was not about to sit around and play the 'my money, your money' game like we're roommates. Life has been solid so far. u/Ya_Boi_Newton

10. Not everything needs to be said

I don't tell my wife everything. Most things, obviously, but 'OMG! I just want my husband to tell me everything and open up to me' is a new feminist concept, and not at all what men should do. Had exes that wanted to know if women even looked in my direction at the gym. In the name of honesty, I answered yes because it's not a big deal. This did not go well at all. Had exes that wanted to know what I was feeling at any given moment, and I would tell them. They'd make it about them and it would turn into a whole thing... Your wife does not and should not know everything about you. You can share a great deal with her and it can be beautiful, but keep some of it to yourself. u/MooMan2312

This article originally appeared 1 year ago.