Couple on the brink of divorce sought therapy over the husband’s lies — then a forgotten grocery item changed everything

The characteristics we develop in childhood also impact our adult relationships. While this applies to good qualities like trust, kindness, and gentleness, it also applies to negative traits like lying, low self-esteem, or selfishness. Couples therapist and author Terry Real spoke with host Mel Robbins on her podcast, sharing how this effect was ruining the relationship of one of his clients.

In the post shared on February 17, Real revealed that the man was a liar and the couple was on the brink of divorce because of it. However, therapy and a single sentence surprisingly turned things around.

Real shared the concept of the “adaptive child” with many of us. We learn to “adapt” to certain situations because of trauma, excess control, or other issues during childhood. We develop characteristics (usually perfectionism, people-pleasing, or rebellion) to protect us against the emotional onslaught, some of which may carry over into other spheres of our lives. Unfortunately, for this couple, things were no different.

The duo was on the brink of divorce and spoke to Real, citing the man’s excessive lying problem. “He’s a liar. Lies about everything,” he recalled. The therapist immediately knew what the root problem was. “He’s an evader. The adaptive child is adapting to someone who is on the other end of the seesaw,” he explained. 

Elaborating further, Real mentioned that when he spoke to the man, he learned that his father was in the military and would excessively control every little thing in his life. Right from the way he sat and ate, to the way he mingled with others, and even who he mingled with, everything had a strict outline given by his dad.

Real then asked him how he’d deal with his dad back then. “He looked at me and smiled. It’s resistance, his smile. ‘I lied,’ he said,” the therapist recalled. The man revealed that whenever he did something he was told not to do, he just lied about it and got away with it. As a result, this lying became a habit, to the point where even as an adult, he lied about the simplest things, even if no one was out to get him. 

That’s when Real told him one simple, honest statement. “By the way, you’re not 5 anymore. And your life isn’t your dad, see you.” That was enough for the man to realize that he didn’t have to hide anything. He could be himself. Two weeks later, the couple returned to the therapist and shared how they knew things were working out.

They recalled an instance from a few days ago when the husband went out to fetch a few items. He was given a list of 12 things, but returned only with 11. When his wife asked, “Where is the pumpernickel?” By default, the man was ready to lie about it because the adaptive child in him didn’t want to deal with his dad. 

“Every nerve in the muscle” was yearning for the man to make up something and say, “They were out of pumpernickel,” but it was a lie. In the fleeting moment, he took a breath and recalled the therapist’s words. With all possible might fighting and resisting the adaptive child, he looked into his wife’s eyes and said, “I forgot the damn pumpernickel.” She wasn’t angry; on the contrary, she burst into tears. He finally told the truth. “I had been waiting for this moment for 25 years,” she said.

According to the Pew Research Center, divorce rates have declined since the 1980s. As of 2023, the divorce rate is 14.4% per 1,000 men and women in the United States. Most divorces take place after a couple has completed 5 years of marriage. This is followed by couples married for a longer period of 25 years or more.

Ciancio Ciancio Brown shared data which revealed that in the U.S., 59.6% of married individuals reported infidelity as a cause of divorce. Argument and conflict were cited as a reason with similar stats (57.7%).  The top reason cited for divorce by 75% of respondents was a lack of commitment to maintain, support, and be understanding with relationship issues. This couple, however, waited it out and sought help. And it changed everything for them.

The caption of the post rightly explained, “The first step to healing is recognizing the automatic reactions. The second is choosing something better.” @earstl, “I love this, and it gives me hope, although we are a long way from being there.” @kristenwcosr added, “That gives me goosebumps!! What a breakthrough!” 

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