Prepare to puke everywhere because these men are here to "make women great again." Which means they'd like you to place your rights down and head to the kitchen, please, ladies.
Hey women, have you ever felt like you just weren't doing things right enough for the men in your life? Have you ever looked yourself in the mirror and just really wanted a man's opinion about how you could be prettier, smarter, just, you know, better? Do you ever think, "Hm, I really don't think I've had enough ignorant men with too many unwarranted opinions weigh in on my life choices. Who can I approach?" Well, fret no longer. There is finally a solution to all your problems. The 22 Convention is back in town, and with it, all those age-old gender norms women are expected to conform to! What a blessing. I for one was just waiting for another man I don't know to tell me how to live my life based on his vast experience of subjugating women.
Now, the first time I read about the convention, I thought it wasn't real. But I was curious. So after a quick Google search, I realized, holy crap this is actually a real thing. Like, people pay money to attend this sort of nonsense. Well, not all people, just women. As it turns out, the event is only open to women attendees - they simply do not sell tickets to men. And here's why. The 22 Convention is an event organized to "make women great again." (At least they admit women were great at some point in time. I guess it doesn't count if that point in time was when women were literal slaves to men, confined to their sad kitchens.)
The 22 Convention is a three-day barf event wherein "iconic speakers" (all men, B T dubz) vomit their sexist garbage all over the women attendees in order to "dramatically improve [their lives] and femininity." According to the convention's organizers, "Women today are being taught to act more like men. Where has that led us? Skyrocketing rates of divorce, depression, dysfunction, and America at the #1 spot in the world for single motherhood. No longer will you have to give in to toxic bullying feminist dogma and go against your ancient, biological nature as a woman." Therefore, their expert speakers will show you how to become your very own "ideal woman." Lord, please give me the strength.
In order to do so, the convention will feature several events and panels to, among other things, "raise your femininity by 500 percent" because that is obviously a measurable thing, become the "ultimate wife," and "have unlimited babies." Yes, unlimited. As if babies were like breadsticks at Olive Garden or the number of idiots at a Trump rally. The kicker, however, is the cost of the tickets. For just the low, low price of $1999 and your whole dignity and self-respect, you can gain full access to all three days of speeches. Imagine that! If you're an early bird, it'll only burn a $999 facepalm-shaped hole in your wallet, though, so there's that. These men couldn't possibly believe that this is what women want to attend, right? After several decades of fighting for equal rights, dealing with challenges like the gender pay gap, outdated gender roles, body image issues, and so much more, the organizers really do expect women to roll themselves all the way back to the dark ages when women were baby vessels destined to live and die making sandwiches. Well, here's a giant you-know-what from my dainty, pink-nailed finger.