Man who raised 5-year-old girl as own child, asks if he was wrong for not revealing he wasn't her real dad

Anyone who adopts a child can choose to withhold the truth of the adoption from the child for the time being. Unless the child has grown into a stable, resilient individual, they might not be ready to grasp the intricate emotional dynamics of their family. However, if the truth is revealed, the adoptive guardian should be the person to disclose it to the child, not a stranger. A 24-year-old man, who goes by u/Inner_Profession6126 on Reddit, recently took to the platform to share how his girlfriend abruptly revealed to his five-year-old sister that he "isn't her real father," causing her to erupt into tears. Although he has legal custody of her, the 24-year-old man is actually her older sibling. This unforeseen scenario made him reconsider whether it was wrong to keep the story of her adoption a secret. 

Giving some context, the man revealed that he was 19 when his mother gave birth to his baby sister, who he calls "MJ" for privacy reasons. By the time MJ was five months old, he realized that his mother, a drug addict, was not prepared to raise her. “Seeing this, I wanted to give MJ a life that she deserved, not what our mother gave me,” he described. So, he filed a petition to adopt MJ. He received custody of her when she was two years old. “I’m the only dad she knows, and she calls me dad,” he explained.

A year ago, things started to shift when he came across a 24-year-old woman named Ida, who would soon become his girlfriend and eventually his fiancée. When they started dating, he felt that she was the perfect addition to his and MJ’s family. Ida would take MJ on "girls' days" and little "dates." In due course, he proposed to Ida, and everything seemed great.

But one evening, while the man was making dinner, MJ exclaimed to Ida, "You’re gonna marry my daddy, and you’re gonna be best friends!" Instead of going along with things, Ida told her, "He’s not your dad MJ." Ida's words caught him "off guard," and he wondered why his fiancée would say that to the little girl.

"I don’t know why Ida said that. MJ was confused, as 5-year-olds are. Ida kept correcting her until MJ started crying, which honestly made me mad," he recalled. He had already told Ida a couple of months into their relationship that MJ didn’t know the truth about her adoption and that he would only reveal it to her when "she was ready to know."

During their ensuing argument, Ida said MJ was going to discover the truth eventually and that he was unwise not to tell her. The argument took a heated turn, and he admitted saying something to her that he "shouldn't have." Soon, Ida stormed out of his apartment, leaving him and MJ alone at dinner.

Later on, Ida began bombarding him with rants and texts, saying that what he did was "wrong." Doubt seeped into the man’s head, prompting him to take to Reddit to ask people whether he was incorrect in thinking that MJ should know the truth when she was old enough to understand it.

In less than a week, more than a thousand people flocked to the comments section to defend the man. “You stepped up and became MJ’s father when no one else would, and you’ve given her a stable and loving home. That makes you her dad, regardless of biology. You were right to be mad, and you’re not wrong for protecting your daughter’s emotional well-being,” said u/assho69.

u/loseit_throwit assured the man that he was correct in telling Ida that she had no right to reveal the truth to MJ: “There are age-appropriate ways to talk about adoption and social vs biological family relationships. Ida could have researched that.” 

Others said he should reconsider his relationship with Ida. “I'd reconsider the engagement, if not the whole relationship, after this,” said u/somuchmoreeagle. u/ambitious-dig22 wrote, “She’s not going to treat MJ well when she’s the stepmom. She just showed you that.” 

But a few people believed he should have already revealed the truth to his sister by now. u/booksiwabttoread commented, “You should have already told MJ she is adopted. You can be vague on the details and explain as she grows, but she should have already been told.”