Man blames family cat for wife's pregnancy after it poked holes in their condoms

If there's one thing Reddit user u/Playtonic1 is absolutely sure of, it's this: his "greasy orange little shit" of a cat is an evil genius. In fact, a genius of such caliber that the spunky ball of fur is said to be responsible for adding a new human member to the Redditor's family. Confused? So was most of Reddit when they came across a post titled "[Today I Fu***d Up] By letting the cat get my wife pregnant..." on the r/tifu subreddit earlier this month. While the title sounds like something from a Sci-Fi flick, as u/Playtonic1 explains in the post, he has a very good reason for blaming the family cat for his wife's unplanned pregnancy.

Technically this happened about three weeks ago since the test just came back positive... Some background: Last year my wife and I had our first child. It was a less than ideal pregnancy that had her dealing with weeks of bed rest dude to preeclampsia with severe features, the Redditor explained. It wreaked total havoc on not only her physical health but her mental health as well. Fortunately, everything was all right in the end and she gave birth to our healthy 4lb 2oz boy just shy of two months early (who’s doing fantastic now).

Due to the difficulty of this first pregnancy and concerns over COVID, we decided it was best to put off kid number two for at least a couple of years. She started birth control shortly after giving birth to be sure we had no surprises, but the pill tends to make her very sick and she wanted to lose weight, so she stopped taking it. We thought rubbers would be enough, but that’s where our cat comes in..., he wrote.

Our cat is an evil genius. I seriously think the greasy orange little shit is still smarter than our nearly one year old. He gets into everything, and I do mean everything. No door, drawer, or cabinet can stop him, and if he knows where something he wants is he WILL find it. It’s so bad that for weeks after adopting him I thought there was a poltergeist in the house because each morning I’d wake up to find every single cabinet door in the kitchen wide open, the Redditor continued. With enough context laid out to establish the nature of his cat, he proceeded to the juicy part of the story.

So how did I f**k up and let him impregnate my wife? Well, my first f**k up was storing the condoms in the same drawer as the Q-tips, which he loves to get into and shred apart. He must have seen the box of Q-tips in the drawer when I put my rubbers away, because not even an hour later I stumbled upon a horrific scene of chewed plastic straws, shredded cotton fluff and shiny gold condom wrappers scattered around the gapping drawer that once contained them... I didn’t think anything of it at the time and just cleaned up the destroyed Q-tips and put the condoms that had spilled everywhere back into their box without a concern in the world, he explained.

We ended up having some sexy time later that night, and I vividly remember stumbling into the dark bathroom, opening said drawer, and blindly fumbling around in the box to pull out a condom (as was the routine) thinking nothing of what happened earlier. That is until fast forward a few weeks to just the other day, when my wife was complaining of nausea and tender breast. We immediately shoot each a concerned glance as this ain’t our first rodeo, and she felt the same way before discovering her first pregnancy. She still had a half-empty box of tests from the year before and decided to take one just to be sure. Followed by another one... and another one... all positive.

We start wracking our brains wondering what happened when suddenly it hits me... that damned cat. I ran over to the bathroom drawer where I kept the condoms, dumped out the box on the counter, and started to inspect each miserable little foil square. Sure enough, several had noticeable scratches, teeth marks, and even full-blown punctures in them... which leads me to f**k up number two, not checking to see if the cat chewed on any of my rubbers weeks before when he had gotten into that drawer... Can't wait to explain to my new son or daughter one day that they owe their existence to the family cat, the Redditor concluded. Well, that's going to be one heck of an origin story, isn't it?