Man asks if he's wrong for refusing to give girlfriend his social security number

Trust is often a cornerstone of any relationship. But what happens when a loved one tries to test that truth with an unexpected demand? In a similar stance, a 27-year-old man, u/Alarmed_Sorbet8101, shared how his girlfriend of a year shocked him by asking for his social security number so her friend could run a background check on him. The boyfriend explained that his 31-year-old girlfriend sat him down for what she described as an important conversation. “She asked for my social security number,” he wrote. “I said absolutely not. Why would you need that?” She then opened up about a past relationship where her ex-boyfriend lived a double life, concealing a criminal record and exposing her to dangerous situations. 

To ensure her safety, she explained that her best friend, who worked for the federal government, ran background checks on her partners after the incident with her ex. Despite understanding her concerns, the boyfriend was uncomfortable sharing such sensitive information. “I don’t even have a parking ticket. I’m a nerd and a gym rat. All I do is work, go to school, play Dungeons and Dragons, come home, watch anime, rinse and repeat,” he explained. The girlfriend argued that he did not understand what women go through regarding safety.

While acknowledging her point, he told her, “That doesn’t mean I’m giving my social security number out to a complete stranger.” She attempted to reassure him, explaining that her friend wasn’t a stranger to her and was married to a close friend. However, he wasn’t swayed. “I don’t know him. I don’t trust him because I don’t know him. That’s my information you’re asking for,” he wrote. “You can trust him with your personal information if you want, but no one I don’t know is getting my social security number or critical details.” The discussion reached a breaking point when she said the relationship couldn’t progress unless he complied.

Feeling pressured, he ended the conversation and left, telling her, “Your past trauma doesn’t give you the right to try and strong-arm me into giving out sensitive information to someone I don’t know.” Drawing from his own experience of working for the federal government, he added that simply having access to databases doesn’t automatically make someone trustworthy. He clarified that he didn’t assume her friend had bad intentions but was unwilling to compromise on his boundaries. The argument has left them at a standstill, with his girlfriend accusing him of being insensitive and refusing to speak to him since. While reflecting on the conflict, he shared, “Personally, I feel like she was gaslighting me into giving her what she wants, but I’m not sure.”

The Reddit story created a frenzy among users, and many took to the comment section to share their opinions and support the boyfriend. u/_s1m0n_s3z said, "Her government friend is committing a felony. You want no part of this." u/mocha_lattes_ added, "OP should ask about the friend and get his name then report him. What he is doing is illegal." u/Shrike176 said, "That’s exactly what I was thinking. She is telling OP to trust a stranger who is offering to abuse his position and break the law. What part of that says 'trustworthy?'"