American author Mel Robbins explains why making friends as adults is becoming impossible

Friendship is one of the most essential relationships in a person’s life; they are the family we choose for ourselves. There is something inexplicably beautiful about this relationship that we develop with a stranger who gradually becomes our confidant, accepts our flaws and quirks, and celebrates us for who we are. However, the older we become, the more difficult it gets to make new friends. American author Mel Robbins — who goes by the username @melrobbins on TikTok — shares her theory on Jay Shetty's podcast, helping us understand the complex nature of friendships in adulthood.

According to a video posted on the website of American Psychological Association, Marisa Franco, PhD, is a psychologist and friendship expert says, “There's a theory called the socio-emotional selectivity hypothesis, which basically argues and finds that as we get older, we focus more on quality rather than quantity because we're thinking, I have X amount of time left. I want to spend it with people that really matter.” She adds how childhood friendships are all about exploring new things, while that is not always the case in adulthood, hence the noticeable difference.

Melanie Lee Robbins, famously known as Mel, appeared on Jay Shetty’s podcast, 'On Purpose'. She posted a clip from the interview on January 11, 2025, captioned, “Hear the full conversation from On Purpose (@OnPurposePodcast) wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts. ‘How to Use the ‘Let Them Theory’ (A Life-Changing Mindset Hack That 15 Million People Can’t Stop Talking About).’”

The video begins with Shetty asking her, “Why is it so hard to make friends as we get older?” Robbins replies, “There is a massive shift that happens in adult friendship when you hit 20 that nobody sees coming.” She mentions how the rules of friendship entirely flip when you hit this age bracket. She proceeds to explain the rules of childhood friendships, followed by the adulthood ones. “So, when you are little, your entire life is organized around friendship and making it possible because you are with people your age in class and sports.” She adds that we move in groups and teams because we are in the same school or neighborhood.

She further explains how children hit the same milestones, hit the same birthdays, levels, problems, goals, etc., because everyone is the same age. As children, we get to spend a lot of time together, which continues in university as well. “What happens when you hit your 20s is that it kind of moves from being a big group sport to an individual one,” she adds. She mentions the 3 reasons why friendships thrive as children and fail as adults — proximity, timing, and energy.

Elaborating further, she mentions how, as adults, we can only develop friendships with people with whom we are aligned on all 3 factors. For instance, we are usually in close proximity to our coworkers, but our timings may not sit right. Some may be getting married, some may belong to a different generation, etc. Even if you get the first 2 features right, your energies may not align with one another — you may have an aversion to drinking, but they enjoy it, or you may be a fitness freak while they are not.

Unfortunately, this inability often leads to adulthood loneliness. According to research by Emma M. Kirwan and others, “Prevalence (of loneliness) estimates from the United Kingdom suggest up to 31% of emerging adults experience loneliness at least some of the time, and 5–7% feel lonely often. In the United States, about 24% of emerging adults report feeling lonely ‘a lot of the day,’ and almost 1 in 3 (32.6%) emerging adults in India report high levels of loneliness.” Adulthood loneliness is highly associated to “poorer physical and mental health, including hypertension, anxiety and depressive symptoms, alcohol problems, and long-term mental illness.”

After watching the TikTok video, many people shared their opinions. @kinnyperpetual wrote, “Proximity, timing, energy... That’s real,” while @_tawni expressed, “People are too needy in friendships and can’t respect the fact that others have their own lives. Low-needs friends are the best kind to have. I’m forever grateful for my besties who get it.” @e.oll.e shared, “As you grow older, you become wiser. Your tolerance for unilateral effort, superficial friendships and disrespect becomes lower.” Finally, @iwonderbyg exclaimed, “Stop having expectations from people! Only expect from life and yourself, and learn to be alone. To be alone is to find your strength. So believe in yourself!”

You can follow Mel Robbins (@melrobbins) on TikTok for more intellectual content.