"If you've always wanted your own haunted Victorian child in the body of a small dog that hates men and children," Prancer is the perfect dog for you.
Prancer the Chihuahua might not be everyone's cup of tea. But his foster mom Tyfanee Fortuna desperately wants to believe there's a forever home somewhere out there for the 2-year-old pooch. Because—as she explained in a hilarious, and brutally honest, adoption appeal post on Facebook—she and her exhausted family would very much like some reprieve from the "demonic Chihuahua hellscape" that is their home right now. "Ok, I've tried. I've tried for the last several months to post this dog for adoption and make him sound... palatable. The problem is, he's just not. There's not a very big market for neurotic, man-hating, animal-hating, children-hating dogs that look like gremlins," the almost 25-year-old wrote.
Prancer, she wrote, embodies the Chihuahua meme that describes the breed "as being 50% hate and 50% tremble." Sounds like quite the character, doesn't he? But wait, there's more. So much more. "Prancer came to me obese, wearing a cashmere sweater, with a bacon egg n cheese stuffed in his crate with him," Fortuna revealed. "I should have known [at] that moment this dog would be a problem. He was owned by an elderly woman who treated him like a human and never socialized him. Sprinkle in a little genetic predisposition for being nervous, and you've concocted a neurotic mess, AKA Prancer."
"His first week he was too terrified to have a personality," she recalled. "As awful as it sounds, I kind of liked him better that way. He was quiet, and just laid on the couch. Didn't bother anyone. I was excited to see him come out of his shell and become a real dog. I am convinced at this point he is not a real dog, but more like a vessel for a traumatized Victorian child that now haunts our home."
Prancer only likes women, Fortuna explained. "Nothing else. He hates men more than women do, which says a lot. If you have a husband don't bother applying, unless you hate him. Prancer has lived with a man for 6 months and still has not accepted him. He bonds to a woman/women and takes his job of protection seriously. He offers better protection than Capitol security. This also extends to other animals. Have other dogs? Cats? Don't apply unless they like being shaken up like a ragdoll by a 13lb rage machine." Fortuna adds that although she’s never seen Prancer around children, she assumes that wouldn't work out well, either.
"He's never been in the presence of a child, but I can already imagine the demonic noises and shaking fury that would erupt from his body if he was. Prancer wants to be your only child," she wrote. That said, Prancer does have some good qualities. "He is loyal beyond belief, although to tell you a secret his complex is really just a facade for his fear. If someone tried to kill you I can guarantee he would run away screeching. But as far as companionship, you will never be alone again. He likes to go for car rides, he is housebroken, he knows a few basic commands, he is quiet and non-destructive when left alone at home, and even though we call him bologna face he is kind of cute to look at. He also 'smiles' when he is excited," the post states.
Given all these terms and conditions, who would be the perfect candidate for Prancer to live with for the next couple of decades? "His ideal home would be with a single woman, a mother, and daughter, or a lesbian couple," Fortuna explained. "You can't live in an apartment or a condo unless you want him to ankle bite your neighbors. We already addressed the men and children situation. If you have people over he would have to be put away like he's a vacuum. I know finding someone who wants a Chucky doll in a dog's body is hard, but I have to try."
Prancer is available for adoption through Second Chance Pet Adoption League. So "if you've always wanted your own haunted Victorian child in the body of a small dog that hates men and children," email firstname.lastname@example.org, and do it fast as according to HuffPost, the rescue has been Fortuna's adoption appeal has sparked a lot of interest in Prancer. "We are getting a lot of inquires from all over the country but focused on finding him the exact right situation to set him up for success," a Second Chance Pet Adoption League representative revealed.