Why do breakups hurt so bad? MRI scans of those 'in love' v/s afterwards show the same regions lighting up in the brain

If you’re really in love, you’ll give it your all; you’ll go out on feeling, loving, sharing, being, and everything. So when things go south, the pain is equally hard. It is often said that your pain is the love you have left or is equivalent to the love you’ve invested. But let’s look at the science behind it. The late anthropologist and researcher, Helen Fisher, dug into the biology of love to understand what happens in the brain that causes or sustains these devastating feelings after a breakup. Her findings were startling but helped bring closure to a universal question. Fisher, who passed away in 2024 due to cancer, left behind a rich understanding of the brain and love. 

The researcher first shared an interesting statistic. There are 170 societies found to be with love, none without it. However, when she took questions from college students, prominent ones were “Have you ever been rejected by somebody whom you really loved?" and "Have you ever dumped somebody who really loved you?” It pushed her to understand what it is about love that can cause so much joy yet so much pain. She recalled an experiment she was doing back then. Her team studied 17 people who were in love and 15 who had just been dumped. The participants were put on an MRI scanner to study their brain patterns. For the 17 in love, their scans showed activity in a small part at the base of the brain — the ventral tegmental area (VTA).

"We found activity in some cells called the A10 cells, cells that actually make dopamine, a natural stimulant,” Fisher explained. This tiny part, which comes below the cognitive and emotional portions, had quite a bit of power. It is associated with “wanting, with motivation, with focus and with craving,” the researcher noted.

Surprisingly, the same region shows activity when you feel a rush from cocaine. So call it a “high” if you will, that’s the effect of romantic love on a person. So much so that when you don’t have it, the obsession increases. Now, coming to the 15 who were dumped, their scans also showed activity in the same region, along with two others. 

So, there was still a desire, a “high” if you will, but it changes because in this case, you don’t have that person. The next region that showed activity was associated with gains and losses. So when you’re trying to figure out what went wrong and where it can be fixed, this is the part at work. Lastly, the third part showed brain activity associated with attachment. Now, imagine all three working together; it really puts the person in a bitter state. It pushed Fisher to conclude that romantic love is an "addiction." The only difference is that when all is well, this addiction can feel robust and amazing, but when it’s lost, it can become concerning. 

A majority are going through this phenomenon. According to statistics from Do U Like, 75% of Americans revealed that they have been dumped by a long-term partner. 58% said it was messy or dramatic. On average, it takes around 11 weeks to get over a breakup. Can this be changed? Possibly. According to NPR, studies have shown how people have tracked their brain waves and understood the pattern to train their brains to respond differently in certain scenarios. Dessa, a Minneapolis-based rapper, used neurofeedback after trying but failing to get over her ex-boyfriend. "It really bothered me that, no matter how much effort I tried to expend in trying to solve this problem, I was stuck." Fisher's anecdote changed that for her. "That you could objectively measure and observe 'love' — that had never occurred to me before," Dessa said.

A study shared by the Neuron Journal recorded how participants used 'neurofeedback' to change the way their VTA activity worked. 

A VTA feedback group was first asked to consciously increase VTA by thinking about something that motivated them. These findings were recorded. After self-training, the group that used neurofeedback was able to increase activity in their VTA without any stimuli. So is love a bad thing then? Not really. When we look at the more abstract side, you’ll realize love has its own beauties and treasures, and if you’re brave enough to dare to love, you’ll experience them. But it comes with a cost, a cost of losing it and then facing what follows.  

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