Relationship experts Dr. Julie Gottman say the 'right partner' will always checks these 3 boxes
After over five decades in studying relationships, these three checks is what she asks people looking for the right one to get done
A question that often lingers in the minds of those dating is whether their partner is the right person. There might be a lot of personal deal breakers to figure this out but world-renowned psychologist and researcher Dr. Julie Gottman, of the Gottman Institute, shared three reflections to consider. In a chat with podcaster Steve Bartlett in a clip shared on February 1, 2026, the woman mentioned these three checks are among the many things she tells people who are in a relationship to tick off: interaction, respect, and reliability. Elaborating on how to find out about these factors, Gottman noted that they can be tested and checked in everyday settings.
The Gottmans have been researching concepts in relationships, marriage, and parenting for the last few decades and have made noteworthy findings. The psychologist first asked people to check whether their partner is “broadcasting” or genuinely interested in their conversation as well. “Do they tell you only about themselves, or are they asking questions about you as well?” When it comes to conversing, the expert noted that it is crucial to decipher whether they are self-indulgent or are mutually interested in you, too. Furthermore, it’s not just about asking; she also notes, “Are they listening?”
The next factor pointed out was respect for others, especially those in a lower position than they are. Sharing an instance, Gottman asks partners to reflect on how their boyfriend or girlfriend treats waiters or someone with a lower social status. “Do they treat people equally? Are they kind?” she asked. The third pointer was very simple — Are they reliable? “Do they do what they say they’ll do?” Gottman pointed out. Even if it’s something as simple as saying they’ll call and actually calling, or saying they’ll work on something and getting to it. “Reliability is a big deal,” the psychologist noted.
While she acknowledged that it’s not always possible 100%, how they deal with not being able to keep their word is also important. “Do they call to let you know they’re late?” Gottman asked as an instance. Overall, the need is to check whether the person has respect and "curiosity" for who you are as a person. In a set of three studies conducted by Adult Attachments to view how respect affects the success of close relationships, it was revealed that participants found people who respected them to be “admirable and trustworthy." The idea of “respect” was closely connected to “liking” by participants, indicating that a majority believed that respect and liking go hand in hand. Furthermore, being “respectful of others’ views” gave the idea that the other person can be “receptive and capable of mutuality.”
Many agreed with Gottman’s perspective and suggested that, if not just the three, the factors account at least for the bare minimum to look at. Sandra Ynes said, “I find so many men do not do this. That's what I look for, they really don't think much.” Pami Gales added, “Number one is almost always missing. I’ve stopped volunteering information so I can be sure I’m not filling the empty spaces where the man genuinely wants to know me, my stories, and what makes me tick. Lots of silences.”
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