Fedup of living with boyfriend's brother, woman issues him an ultimatum: 'It's him or me'

When a couple talks about moving in together, there are important discussions that need to take place. These discussions become more complicated when a difficult family member is involved. After dating for two years, a 25-year-old woman, who goes by u/Ok-Dragonfruit4832 on Reddit, and her 27-year-old boyfriend are considering moving into a new place since the lease to his apartment is up soon. However, her boyfriend can't seem to leave behind his difficult 26-year-old brother, Ty, who is currently living with him. As a result, the woman is ready to issue an ultimatum to her boyfriend—either he lives with her or his brother. Taking to the social media platform, the woman asked whether she was being unreasonable in issuing such an ultimatum.  

Giving some context, the woman said that Ty had moved in with his brother last April, and it was the first time he was living away from his parents. “Bf (boyfriend) has been very patient in helping Ty learn how to do things,” she wrote. “However, Ty has taken advantage and now doesn’t help around the house at all. Ty expects everything (meals, cleaning, shopping, etc) to be done for him and gets angry when it isn’t done.” She explained that her boyfriend has tried to set boundaries, but it always ends in excuses and fights.

Even though she has a good relationship with Ty for now, she admitted that she already gets caught up in the mess when she visits their apartment. “I don’t want to see my bf do it alone,” she wrote. “I could see myself becoming resentful after being treated like someone’s maid and cook for too long.”

Ty also regularly starts fights about politics and religion. Although her boyfriend tries to ignore him or says he "agrees to disagree," Ty continues to argue. She also said her boyfriend’s family doesn’t share Ty’s political or religious beliefs, but that hasn’t stopped him from pushing them onto others, especially regarding gender roles. "When I’m over there, I often get sexist comments about 'my place in the house/relationship,'" she said. Her biggest concern is that her boyfriend doesn’t want to leave Ty behind. Ty only makes minimum wage and wouldn’t be able to afford their apartment on his own, and since he’s antisocial, he doesn’t have any friends he could move in with.

She and her boyfriend have talked about the situation multiple times but haven’t come up with a solution. "This is stressing me out and I am ready to give my boyfriend the ultimatum that if he wants to live with Ty, I won’t be able to live with him," she wrote. Reddit assured her that she wasn’t being unreasonable. u/FairyCompetent wrote, “NTA. If he wants to enable his brother’s helplessness he can continue to do so (you’ve been doing it too, and you need to stop) but you should not under any circumstances agree to live with someone unable to stand up for themselves.”

u/Overall-Win7119 pointed out, “It doesn’t have to be presented as an ultimatum, though. It’s a simple boundary: ‘I’m not living with your brother.’” u/Ok-Insurance-8097 added, “It is not your or bf's responsibility to take care of Ty in any way. He’s a grown man. And if your bf can’t come to terms with that on his own, don’t allow yourself to be taken on a ride with that shit either and end it.”