A cafe owner tried her own black iced coffee and roasted it in a scathing review: 'My soul left my body'
'My ancestors flinched. What. The actual. Feral bean water,' Rachel remarked.
We’ve heard of ample instances where staff gloat about their products and services even if they are mediocre. What really speaks to clients, however, is honesty, communication, and connection. An Australian fast food restaurant, Beachmere Takeaway, chose this path with a reassuring twist. The restaurant owner, Rachael, shared a post on Facebook on February 24, 2026, holding one of their biggest hits — the iced black coffee. However, she wasn’t promoting it; she was actually frowning, wondering how people had been sipping it with glee. Her honest, hysterical, and raw review, combined with a promise of great service, will undoubtedly have people coming in for more.
In another post, Rachael revealed that she was glad to take over the restaurant, together with her partner Ryan, in August 2025. Ever since, they have been connecting with the crowd in their own fun and unique ways. The owner shared that she wanted to confess to something. Rachel had been making heaps of their large iced coffee for several customers daily, and quite a few thoughts ran through her mind. “I thought… ‘It can’t be that bad,’” she remarked. Since there was much demand for the drink and “people have these on purpose,” her only thought was: “How offensive could it possibly be?”
What kind of an owner are you if you’re not aware of how your own products taste? So she decided to make herself a cold glass to try. After the very first sip, she had a review ready. "I swear my soul left my body. My ancestors flinched. What. The actual. Feral bean water,” she remarked. And the frown in the picture clearly proves every word. Her intrusive thoughts won, and she had to be honest with her review. “It tastes like someone whispered ‘coffee’ over a glass of regret and called it wellness — then said, ‘Here, babe, this will help your gut,’” Rachael remarked. It wasn’t just that the taste didn’t settle; she couldn’t figure out how people loved it.
It pushed the jolly owner to ask some hilarious questions. “Who hurt you, long black drinkers? Who told you this was enjoyable? Why are you punishing yourselves? Who decided this was refreshing?” she asked. Then, she noted the obvious reason why she disliked it. “I would rather embrace the milk,” she said. You can’t be an espresso fan if you’re a latte and cappuccino person. It’s like being a dog v/s a cat person. Distinct preferences, even more distinct personalities. Very few ace both. When it came to milk, the owner proudly wrote she would rather “Swim in it. Bathe in it. Accept my creamy fate.” She argued that the milk beverages at least offered her joy and light. “This is just cold, angry espresso with no emotional support,” she remarked.
At the end of the day, Rachel agreed she’s the owner of a fast food restaurant and the customer is indeed king. So while she certainly won’t ever take a sip again, she reassured her regulars that they would get the big black drink just the way they liked it. “Respectfully… I will continue making them for you, absolute psychopaths. But I will not be joining you,” she concluded. According to the Specialty Coffee Association, 46% of American adults reported having specialty coffee. This number is up by 84% since 2011.
64% of adults between 25–39 years of age consumed coffee, and ranked the highest among other age groups. But espresso lovers, wait up, no one’s judging you. Your drink is likely benefiting you more than just the dose of energy. A 2024 study done on basketball players revealed that shots of espresso showed better RST (repeated sprint tests) and hand-eye coordination. And higher doses showed better performances as compared to single shots.
Tulane University found that coffee, when had at the right time, can help keep chronic illness at bay. Published in the European Heart Journal, it found that a morning-type coffee drinking pattern was “significantly associated with lower risk of mortality.” Morning coffee drinkers were reportedly at a 31% lesser risk of dying of cardiovascular disease and at a 16% lesser risk of dying from other health causes. Seriously, espresso people, no wonder Rachael is delighted to make them for you. Jo Russell wrote, “I drink black coffee anyway, and it's summer, so an iced long black is perfect.” Aimee Menear added, "Absolutely love this! I used to drink them and still do on the very rare occasion, but I swear it caffeinates you faster.”
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