Expert shares one phrase that can turn small talk into a meaningful connection

Small talk might seem insignificant, but it leaves a more lasting impact than we realize. While some people find small talk pointless or boring, others see it as essential for meeting new people, especially in unfamiliar places. It offers an opportunity to express ourselves and build personal connections. In an interview with CNBC Make It, Matt Abrahams, a lecturer at Stanford Graduate School of Business and a communication expert, discusses the importance of small talk and the key phrase used by those who excel at it.

He said that although a small conversation may appear unimportant, it can really have a big impact. It facilitates the discovery of unforeseen similar interests and the development of closer relationships. While talking about his mother-in-law's impeccable manners and interpersonal skills, her "Tell me more" stands out as a milestone in starting small talk. Abrahams believes it is a key tool for people who are great at small talk, as it is a constructive reply. His mother-in-law's simple phrase has the power to break the ice in a situation when no one knows what to say and what not. According to Abrahams, it forges connections and helps people understand others' points better.

Abrahams believes "Tell me more" is a "support response." A conversation runs on two aspects, "support response," which "supports what the other person is saying" and inspires the other individual to elaborate on their ideas or experiences. The other one is "shift response," which is a statement "that shifts the conversation back to you." To understand it better, the author of "Think Faster, Talk Smarter" gives an example of a situation with a neighbor and says, "Yeah, you wouldn't believe what my neighbor's been putting me through. His party last night didn't break up until after 3 a.m." In this situation, a support response would be to empathize with your friend, whereas a shift response would be when you direct the conversation by sharing your problem.

Abrahams points out that when you turn your attention to yourself, you lose the opportunity to let the other person speak and interact deeper. Instead of waiting for your turn to speak, good conversation requires listening and giving the other person the space to open up. The better a person feels at ease sharing, the better the conversation will go. Using a "shift response" isn't always bad, but a "support response" fosters a more open and engaging conversation. "In the right context, it is fine to use shift responses — other people want to learn about us, and we don't want to come across as withdrawn or secretive," Abrahams said. "So many people make the mistake of treating other people's stories as openings for them to talk about themselves. But if you do that often, you miss an opportunity to learn more."

According to a survey by Introvert in Business, 23% of extroverts and 74% of introverts share a distaste for small chat, per Introvert, Dear. Furthermore, according to a 2022 Preply survey, 71% of Americans would rather be alone than engage in small chat, and they frequently find talking about sports and current affairs the most awkward subject. So, instead of focusing on where the conversation goes or how it relates to us, the best approach is encouraging the other person to open up.