Etiquette expert offers insight on couple sending 'you are not invited' cards to people pre-wedding

Times have changed, and couples now prefer simpler weddings, inviting only their closest kin. However, some have taken this trend further by sending "You Are Not Invited" cards to inform uninvited friends and family of their new beginnings. Reddit user u/joyousfoodie, a family member of a soon-to-be-wed couple, shared on Reddit about the bride and groom's "small, budgeted, semi-destination" wedding. The strange part was the couple sent cards to announce their wedding while subtly uninviting people. These pre-wedding cards were meant to trigger "curiosity" and show that they were "thinking of them."

The cards read, "You are in our hearts on this special day" and the relative felt that it could've instead been sent after the wedding as an announcement. Being a part of the wedding, they revealed that those who were invited also had to help set up the wedding. "Where is the respect, etiquette and morals?" the relative wondered. "They went traveling instead of saving for the wedding," they added. While it is strange that the couple even sent a "You Are Not Invited" card, the bride had also expected the "uninvited" friends to throw her a bridal shower.

The post gained traction online, and etiquette expert Jacqueline Whitmore weighed in on the trend. Like the family member who posted on Reddit, Whitmore emphasized that the couple should have sent the announcement after their wedding. "Announcements are usually sent to people who weren’t invited to the wedding or did not attend the wedding. Friends and relatives who received the announcement can choose to send a gift or not. Sending a gift is optional. Usually, a card is sufficient," Whitmore told PEOPLE. "The fact that this couple sent their announcement before the wedding makes me question their intentions. Were they soliciting gifts or just being naive?"

Whitmore also suggested some ways to minimize conflict while deciding the wedding guest list. After "setting priorities" as to how many guests should be invited, the expert asks couples to segregate them into friends, family and colleagues. Then the bride and groom must categorize the guests into Tier 1 (close family and best friends) and Tier 2 (extended family and colleagues). So now, if someone from Tier 1 cancels, a Tier 2 person can be invited. Also, if a person gets upset that they weren't invited, Whitmore asks the couple to communicate the reason for not accommodating them in an "honest and empathetic" way. Alternatively, the couple can invite those guests to other wedding celebrations like pre-wedding, post-wedding or engagement parties. 

The Reddit post garnered huge attention and many community members felt that the couple could've been more sensible. "This wedding sounds like a trainwreck I might skip, personally. As for the non-invitation wedding announcements (cash grabs?), I have literally no words," said u/trashbinfluencer. "Wedding announcements, similar looking to the invite but stating simply that so-and-so was married and the date, etc., are perfectly acceptable. However, they are only sent after the wedding with no other information," pointed out u/Pettsareme. "I feel like this might be a very bad attempt at a gift grab. 'So sorry you couldn’t come, thinking of you!'" added u/andronicuspark.