Employee sets boundaries after boss asks them to 'adopt' her and include her at vacations

A cordial relationship with one's boss can make a person's life infinitely easier. However, in some instances, a boss might decide to overstep the boundaries and force the employees to take a step back. A woman had a shocking problem with a boss who wanted the woman to "adopt" her. She took to the Ask Manager column and asked for advice to get out of the situation. "My manager, Wanda, is a director about five years younger than I am. She has been with our employer for over 20 years," the 63-year-old shared.

"She is extremely good at what she does, is fiercely loyal to her staff and possesses a wealth of knowledge and insight about our specific work unit and about government in general," the employee pointed out. "She is also emotionally juvenile, totally self-focused, extremely needy, has never had any kind of a romantic relationship in her life, and her completely perfect parents gave her a completely perfect childhood." Hence, the boss has been unable to trust any man in her life outside of her family. "At the time I was hired, Wanda was going through some rough times. She had spent her entire adult life living at home caring for her elderly parents, who were both in fragile health and nearing the ends of their lives, so she was under tremendous stress," the woman continued.

As the woman had lost her parents some years back, she could empathize with her boss's situation. So she tried to be supportive during that time. But she wasn't aware of Wanda's messed up emotional state. "I encouraged her to chat about books and theater, invited her to join my spouse (he/him) and me for a couple of concerts, and even invited her to a family Christmas meal the year her second parent died." The boss has a brother she doesn't get along with and a sister she really likes but during that year, her sister was not in town for Christmas. "She didn’t want to go to her brother’s celebration, so she hinted and hinted until I finally broke down. It made for a fairly awkward gathering, as our family is quite ribald and rowdy while she is considerably more circumspect and she made no secret of the fact that our typical holiday was not what she was accustomed to."

The woman is trying to constantly ignore the hints that her boss has dropped ever since over the years. "I have limited outside-the-office contact to a once-a-year concert and a couple of dinners. My spouse thinks even that is too much, and I don’t disagree. However, given that Wanda is my boss, I also don’t know quite how to completely exclude her without repercussions," the employee expressed. "A few weeks ago, she came to my cubicle in a flood of tears with the news that her adored sister is 'selfishly' moving across the country to live closer to her children. She sobbed that she was being abandoned and that I needed to 'adopt' her because she wouldn’t have any family that she liked in the area anymore," she explained.

That would include all concert and theatre plans, family gatherings, as well as vacations. "It would unquestionably end my marriage, and quite possibly drive me to suicide," the woman remarked. Going to an HR is not an option as nothing is private at her company. She doesn't want to change her job at her age or retire. She can't be fired but her boss could make life difficult. "Do you have any suggestions for how I can establish appropriate boundaries at this stage of the game? Or am I just stuck providing emotional support to this woman until one or the other of us either retires or dies?" she wondered.

The column suggested that although her boss's situation was very sad it was necessary to establish boundaries. The first thing is to act as if the request can't be serious. “Ha ha, you’re funny! Imagine if I did adopt you and start taking you on our vacations— Bob (husband’s name) would not be pleased!” the column wrote as an example. The other thing could be to express empathy and then establish that the person would still like to maintain certain boundaries regardless.