Woman tells trauma expert she's scared to 'mess up' motherhood. Every new parent needs to hear his response

Raising a child sounds terrifying, especially if your past is filled with childhood issues. Gabor Maté, an author, passionate speaker, and expert on addiction, stress, and childhood development, totally understands the fear. So, when a woman contemplating motherhood confessed she's scared to 'mess it up,' he responded with something so beautiful that every parent needs to hear.

In 2023, Maté appeared on the "Know Thyself Podcast," hosted by André Duqum (@andreduqum on YouTube), sharing a plethora of knowledge on trauma healing. During the interview, a woman in the audience openly discussed her apprehensions about becoming a mom. She said, "I am someone who's exploring the idea of becoming a mother, and it's petrifying because I don't want to mess it up." Maté, who understands nothing can truly prepare someone for motherhood, except for the real experience, responded, "You will [mess it up]! Don't worry about it!" The woman explained that no matter how much someone works on self-healing, it always seems like you're missing out on something, and that itself is scary. Listening to her, Maté immediately recognized that she wasn't scared of the future but was terrified of her past.

"How old were you when your mother and father took on the job of getting to know themselves so as not to pass on their traumas to you?" he asked, and the 34-year-old replied, "I think they may be starting now." Next, when Maté, the trauma expert, asked what difference it would have made if her parents had asked the same question before she was born, she confessed, "Not being scared to exist in my household," subtly hinting at her rough growing-up years. "You have already given that gift to your unborn children," Maté explained, reflecting on her conscious decision of not passing on generational trauma to her kids. "You got nothing to worry about!" he added. 

More often than not, it's the unresolved traumas of the parents that hinder the emotional development of their kids. In fact, a study published in the National Library of Medicine says that children raised by parents with early traumas are more likely to grow up in a stressful environment. Further, the report claims that their parents may not always respond to their needs, further perpetuating trauma across generations. Meanwhile, reacting to the beautiful clip, @calleylewis recalled, "Someone once told me, 'If you're worried about being a good mom, you're already being a good mom because bad moms aren't even thinking about what it means to be a good mom,' but I like Gabor Maté's definition here better."

Echoing the sentiments, a user, @kriziaalmonte, said, "As a mother of a 3-year-old, who is obsessively healing and reparenting myself, this lifted so much guilt. I worked so much on myself before I even thought of having my baby, but you still learn on the go." Another person on the platform, @rosegranados1485, commented, "I was raised in a very dysfunctional home, and I knew even as a little girl that I would not raise my future kids like the way I was raised, so I became the mother I never had; children need love, patience, and most of all to feel safe in their home! My sons were raised in a loving home! I was there to enjoy those moments with them with a good man who was raised in a loving home!"

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