Developmental coach explains how to internalize kindness to break free from negative self-talk

We all talk to ourselves in our heads more than we talk to other people around us. Our internal dialogue plays a vital role in shaping our lives and how we face both positive and negative situations. However, sometimes, our inner voice constantly berates and alienates us from the outside environment. People often find it difficult to shift their inner dialogues from a negative to a positive tone and trauma-informed developmental coach Amy Millie—who goes on TikTok by the username @itsamymillie—is helping people fix this issue.

At the beginning of a video touching on this topic, Millie addresses those who grew up without receiving much love or guidance from the adults in their lives and as a result, these people find it challenging to be compassionate to themselves when they grow up. It is easier for these folks to shame and criticize themselves over small mistakes. "So what do we do when we can't help but criticize ourselves?" Millie asks in the video. "A large part of the change in that area comes from the relationship we choose to build with other people like those who really love us for being us."

"Allowing ourselves to feel loved by these people can be an incredibly hard thing to do, but once we start allowing ourselves to receive that love from people, a really important shift happens," she continues. The shift is all about us stopping the way we internalize cruel messages and starting internalizing kind messages about ourselves. "We start to develop this sense of feeling that maybe we are loveable, maybe we are good enough or maybe we are worthy," Millie remarks.

"It might be a slow process, but we begin to believe kind things about ourselves and with the new information from the people that we know have our backs, we can start offering ourselves the kind compassionate guidance that we need," she concludes. In the caption of the TikTok post, Millie elaborated on her thoughts further: "Offering ourselves kindness or helpful guidance can be incredibly hard if the messages we've received about ourselves historically have been that we are too difficult to love, too burdensome, too intense, too much."

"It makes sense that the only way we feel we can motivate ourselves is to torment and berate ourselves. A shift happens when we realize we have the power to take our agency back when we choose to nurture relationships built on reciprocity, support, deep trust, compassion and respect. Allowing ourselves to not only love fully but be loved by another provides a wonderful opportunity to change the way we relate to ourselves and others," the caption further adds.

Many supportive and helpful comments poured into her video, which was reposted on Millie's Instagram account. A psychotherapist @debtalkstherapy added some crucial notes to Millie's video and wrote: "Beautiful, hopeful post. If I may, I'd like to add something here. It took me a very long time to be kind to myself. With nowhere to go with my anger, I turned it all inward and my internal narrative was, at times, vicious. We so often get that the wrong way around and think we first need to feel differently to behave differently. 'Act as if,' practice looking in the mirror and say kind things to yourself—all the things you wish you'd heard. You will eventually start to feel different. Humans are behavioral creatures."

@aqmoha762 remarked under Millie's TikTok video, "This also led me to become hyper-independent and more by myself. Now I have problems letting people in or developing feelings for someone." @ahmadmau.88 wrote, "Relatable and understandable. Not easy to have people that made us realize that we are actually good in something, at least one."

@arshadbvw added, "Being hard on myself has gotten me far in life. But I've hit a ceiling. I need to achieve more. Old tactics aren't working. It's a confusing time." We hope Millie's words and suggestions can help people who need it.