Author shares ‘10 years’ worth of therapy in a minute — the advice hits the nail on the head
The journey to self begins by getting rid of all the discrepancies you thought were actually meant to stay.
We’re constantly on the lookout to improve ourselves and learn life lessons along the way. Self-help author Mark Manson, who wrote “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k,” shared some spot-on tips to navigate this journey. In his post shared on February 24, he shared “10 years’ therapy” in a minute. Of course, there’s a lot more you’d learn in those ten years, but these pointers are worth exploring.
The author shared five bits of advice, and they can be very much incorporated into our lives to help us become better, confident, and self-empowered individuals.
1. Don’t look for approval; look for heart
In the bargain of pleasing everyone, we miss out on the best experiences of life. Manson strongly suggests that we don’t need to look for the approval of others. He adds that oftentimes, people realize too late that there’s a lot that’s worth being disliked for. Therapists Nick Tangeman and Dr. Jim, hosts of ‘Pod Therapy,’ offered advice to a Reddit user (u/so1337) who was “seeking [their] esteem and sense of self-worth from others.” While humans are social beings and need interaction to grow, seeking approval can get toxic. “They see our conspicuous flaws and fail to be curious or interested in who we really are,” they noted.
Timothy Jeider, a psychiatrist at Nevada Mental Health, said, “When our internal sense of worth fails, that’s when we turn to approval,” according to Psych Central. Psychiatrist Shana Feibel clarified, “Someone seeking approval puts the power in other people’s hands.” It’s not worth it. Let them frown, you do you. Think about that job that requires you to choose yourself over others, or that one person you’ve been waiting to approach for a long time. The best movies surface because the protagonist chose heart instead of approval and took the leap.
2. Listen; it will reward you with more than you think
The author was clear about one thing. “Emotional intelligence means being able to shut the f**k up and be able to listen to others.” A little too straightforward, but it needs to be said. Adding to the noise, we get into our own heads and eventually question if we’re doing enough. Manson says, “Shut up and just be present.” The 2024 Edelman Trust Barometer, comprising over 32,000 respondents across 28 countries, ranked listening among the top 3 “trust-building” actions. 82% of business professionals noted they can keep up a trust factor by being given a voice and being listened to. There are so many ideas, perspectives, wisdom, and more to be found in simple observation and listening — both directly and indirectly.
3. Hard conversations are not the enemy
A survey from Marriage.com revealed that 70% of adults in committed relationships avoid at least one major conversation about their relationship. If a hard conversation doesn’t bring you closer to your partner, friend, or the other person, you have to recognize the discrepancy. And we know that. That’s why the challenge is not arguments, as many perceive, but rather avoidance. “The quality of a relationship can be measured by how well it deals with a difficult conversation,” the author pointed out.
If the “we need to talk” ends up in more chaos, confusion, and bitterness, then it's time to reevaluate. This applies to professional relationships, too. @bookthinkers shared a quote from author Tim Ferriss’ book “4-Hour Workweek” that read, “A person’s success in life is usually determined by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.”
4. Mixed signals are only as confusing as you’re making them
“If they wanted to, they would,” a heartbreakingly simple truth that applies to every relationship. Manson suggested that if you’re confused with so many yeses and nos, it’s like just “one signal” that you’re trying to shun to avoid the outcome. Sharing in a post, podcast host and author, Mel Robbins said, “There is no such thing as mixed signals.” She clearly stated that if someone is “hot” and then “cold,” it simply means they don’t want to prioritize you. “It’s a clear signal,” she remarked. The interviewer is just taking you for a ride by adding conditions; your toxic friends are encouraging you to do wrong things with manipulation, and that guy you’ve been texting? He’s had a long time to come through — and you know that.
5. Do it anyway
The hardest thing to deal with is not the rejection, the breakup, or the missed goals; it's the regret of not having tried in the first place. As Manson notes, “Discipline is hard, but regret is harder.” According to Ness Labs, a study by psychologists Shai Davidai and Tom Gilovich on regret revealed that 24% of participants regretted things they ought to have done. 76% regretted things they could have done but didn’t. So if it's a business idea, a relationship, asking for that promotion, or getting to the gym, give it a shot. It might backfire, but at least you know you tried. Plus point: you learn.
Bundling all of this advice might seem overwhelming, so take baby steps instead. Find one rule that suits you and try enforcing that for one week before picking up the second rule. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither are relationships, so put in the work for a fulfilling life or set boundaries and enjoy it on your own.
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