Harvard professor insists kids keep a ‘disappointment list’ to live happier lives as adults

Dr. Arthur Brooks, a Harvard professor and a best-selling author from Cambridge, says his students maintain a list of disappointments to transform failures into opportunities for growth. In conversation with Rich Roll (@richroll) early in 2025, Dr. Brooks explained, "Never waste your suffering," pointing at how 'missed' goals form the bedrock on which success can be mindfully built. The researcher of happiness broke down the process he uses, asking students to maintain an exhaustive list of "failures," which they do religiously, noting down each incident and leaving two blank lines beneath it — and that's when the real game begins. 

One month after they begin this practice, the students return to the page and use one blank line to mention one thing they've learned from the loss. Three months later, they return once more to write one good thing that happened because of that disappointment. "And by the time you're going to a new thing that's really bugging you, really bothering you, you start to look forward to it because you're going to be looking back at the knowledge and growth from the past negative experiences," he explained. Dr. Brooks said this practice helps people divert their focus from negative experiences or sacrifices to the learning and growth that is fueled by the particular disappointment. 

Researchers from Northwestern University, led by Yang Wang, conducted a study on applicants for the National Institutes of Health (NIH) grants. They compared the scientists who almost missed a grant (monetary aid to support work or research) to those who barely got one, and followed their careers for a decade. They assumed that many who didn't get a grant would be demotivated and leave the system; the researchers were right, but they also found that those who didn't quit went on to have better careers than those who had received rewards. "Despite an early setback, individuals with near misses systematically outperform those with narrow wins in the longer run," the study, published in Nature, noted. This further explains what Dr. Brooks suggested: Failure isn't a full stop, but a stepping stone to long-term success. 

Meanwhile, netizens loved and resonated with Dr.Brooks' analogy of pain; for instance, @hopeheals shared, "Yes, absolutely. Our pain is far too precious to waste. I like to call it all of the collateral gifts from the suffering. There is tremendous collateral damage, but there are also gifts; those are not to be missed in the midst of all the darkness." @jennacavadas said, "This is brilliant, but the ONLY thing I would change is the word 'suffering.'" Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional." @iam_lauralopezb wrote, "Suffering becomes wasted when it’s rushed past or turned into self-blame. When it’s metabolized, it becomes wisdom, capacity, and clearer standards for how you live next."

Similarly, @brandymonique7 wrote, "This is good. However, I have a hard time with death. It never seems like anything good comes from it, especially a loved one." @luybebe commented, "Thankful for all his knowledge. I practice this too, and it helps me tremendously with problem-solving, reflection, and learning not to take things personally. I’m grateful for every situation because it all contributes to growth." @jimenarealcoach said, "I totally agree. Every pain is a lesson, and every lesson is a turning point to something much bigger and better, so don’t waste your suffering or pain. Turn every wound into a lesson, a journey, and wisdom."

You can follow @richroll on Instagram for more motivational content.

More on Scoop Upworthy 

Woman's priceless advice inspires people to never give up even after many setbacks

Reese Witherspoon shares why parents need to let kids struggle and learn from their failures

Harvard professor says there is one trait that sets highly successful people apart