In a nutshell, the debate was two old White men in fancy suits battling it out for the most powerful position in the country using methods tried and perfected by kindergarteners.
Well, it happened. Donald Trump and Joe Biden finally went up against each other on the first presidential debate stage on Tuesday and it was... an utter and absolute SH*TSHOW. While the founding fathers probably rolled in their graves that night, the living turned to alcohol to stomach all the yelling, shouting, lying, bullying, and name-calling that took place on moderator Chris Wallace's watch. Americans watched in horror as what was once a civilized debate on issues concerning the nation was turned into — as CNN's Jake Tapper best described it — "a hot mess, inside a dumpster fire, inside a train wreck."
"That was a hot mess, inside a dumpster fire, inside a train wreck," @jaketapper says. "That was the worst debate I have ever seen. It wasn't even a debate. It was a disgrace."— Oliver Darcy (@oliverdarcy) September 30, 2020
"That was a shit show," @DanaBashCNN adds. pic.twitter.com/EhTIeM7Skc
Perhaps we would have found it funny if the fate of the United States did not hang so precariously on the outcome of these debates. After all, it was two old White men in fancy suits battling it out for the most powerful position in the country using methods tried and perfected by kindergarteners. 90 minutes of watching a flummoxed Wallace unsuccessfully trying to maintain some form of decorum on the stage was a scary peek into what the next four years would look like if we put the meanest, dumbest, and most obnoxious kid in charge of the class.
If you missed the debate here’s a quick recap pic.twitter.com/QucwDyR0eX— kayzo (@KayzoMusic) September 30, 2020
On the somewhat positive side, the past four years of Trump at the helm has helped hone our dark sense of humor like never before. And it came in quite handy on Tuesday night as Americans turned to Twitter to vent their feelings about the debate and share coping mechanisms to get through the horror show. Here's some in case you need help preparing for the next presidential debate:
Guys, I’ll be fact-checking this evening’s debate in real time just kidding I’ll be drunk— Randy Rainbow (@RandyRainbow) September 29, 2020
BREAKING: Alcohol was declared the winner in the first presidential debate.— Dow (@mark_dow) September 30, 2020
debate drinking game!: continue to drink continuously as you have been doing for the past six months— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) September 29, 2020
Honestly drinking bleach doesn't seem so bad now— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) September 30, 2020
The first commercial should be for Ritalin. #Debate2020— Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) September 30, 2020
This is the first presidential debate that needs a cigarette break— Blake Anderson (@UncleBlazer) September 30, 2020
Tonight would be a good night to legalize marijuana.— Warren Gunnels (@GunnelsWarren) September 30, 2020
Meanwhile, many couldn't help but voice their utter disappointment in Wallace's inability to rein in Trump i.e. do his job as the moderator of the debate.
my audition to be the next presidential debate moderator pic.twitter.com/dAtgiAzXOV— Gus Danger Johnson (@Gusbuckets) September 30, 2020
Can Chris Wallace be replaced with a mom who’s been home with her kids since March? #Debates2020— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) September 30, 2020
Hear me out: They should have a moderator at this debate— Jay Willis (@jaywillis) September 30, 2020
chris wallace hosting this debate pic.twitter.com/NaR8RNE5ht— Desus Nice (@desusnice) September 30, 2020
However, for the most part, viewers could barely process whatever was happening in those 90 minutes of pure hell.
Me at the beginning of the debate vs. Me 50 minutes in pic.twitter.com/XeRxJqiBvq— grant 🧔🏻 (@urdadssidepiece) September 30, 2020
this debate better not be one of those gender reveals— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) September 29, 2020
This is making me ageist— quinta brunson (@quintabrunson) September 30, 2020
Guy talking into Biden’s earpiece: “Tell a rambling anecdote about a haircut you got in the 50s... then say Trump is ‘as untrustworthy as Magilla Gorilla’”— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) September 29, 2020
this feels like watching a couple of embarrassing relatives unravel at a holiday dinner, but one is clearly not a relative at all BUT A DEMON— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 30, 2020
If he speaks out of turn again, drop him into the alligator tank under the stage.— Maureen Johnson (@maureenjohnson) September 30, 2020
Now might be a good time to reward viewers with a good old-fashioned Nickelodeon sliming— Shelley 🦆 Scarrow (@chocolateyshell) September 30, 2020
Trump has the statesmanship of a guy selling a condo to a person who does not want to buy a condo.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) September 30, 2020
Not fair that Biden is cheating tonight by having access to a soul— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) September 30, 2020
“Will you shut up, man?” - Joe Biden, speaking for...most Americans— Jon Favreau (@jonfavs) September 30, 2020
debating Trump is like drinking water with a fork.— Kate Sheppard (@kate_sheppard) September 30, 2020
this debate is so bad Canada just built a wall— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) September 30, 2020
when you're stoked to be in cleveland supporting dad pic.twitter.com/ZlpDl0hYhi— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) September 30, 2020
someone post a photo of themselves putting a cast iron skillet in the dishwasher or something so we don't have to talk about the debate— mark (@kept_simple) September 29, 2020
At least we got this out of it:
Yup, that really happened.