Some parents have accepted their fate of giving birth to sassy roast masters and they never know when they'll receive a new shock bomb.
Editor's Note: This article was originally published on May 26, 2022. It has since been updated.
Is there anything worse than getting roasted by kids? Somehow, coming from them—precious baby angels who appear to be the human incarnation of innocence, curiosity and youth—insults hit way harder than said by an adult. Even the most zen among us may not be able to handle the soul-crushing weight of experiencing a child take us down a few notches with some carefully chosen words that strike right on the rawest of nerves.
Some parents, however, have accepted their fate of giving birth to sassy roast masters. They never know when their little daredevils may drop a new shock bomb and give them a sour dose of humility. Fortunately for us, many of them have taken to social media to share their embarrassment and it makes for an incredibly interesting—and hilarious—read. Here are 23 tweets from parents about the time they were put in their place by their children:
I explained to my daughter that when Netflix started they used to send you DVDs.— Donald Zimmer (@zimmer_donald) September 27, 2020
6yr old: (old lady voice) You know, back in my day, the internet used to come in the mail.
I was arguing with my husband and my son screamed "yay! TWO christmases!" from the other room.— JennyPentland, GED (@JennyPentland) May 6, 2017
My 7yo, clinging to his belief in Santa: “You can’t afford all those presents. I did the math.”— Carrie Melago (@carriemelago) December 18, 2018
Me: *gets out my "world's best dad" mug*— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 30, 2022
9: Did you steal that?
Us to 4 year old: You know mommy and mama are gay, right?— Kathryn Martinez (@ktmartinez) May 7, 2021
4yo: Yes I know.
Us: Okay what does “gay” mean?
4yo: Very very old.
Kid in my son’s class explained to me that she was sure he has two moms because he has “the pretty mom and the other mom.” She described each to me in some detail.— Aubrey Hirsch (@aubreyhirsch) February 9, 2020
Reader, both are me.
Last night, my 3 year old kicked me during a tantrum. As I tucked him in bed later, he apologized. "I'll never kick you again," he said, pulling me in closer and kissing my cheek. "Just do exactly what I tell you to do and I'll never have to kick you again." My son is a mobster.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 4, 2019
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I'll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life." Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 19, 2019
Me to my son: You remind me of me.— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) August 16, 2016
Son: That's just mean.
My 3yo found the photo album from her dad’s and my wedding and finds a pic of us kissing.— Ande Wall (@AndeWall) July 16, 2019
“Awww. And then you guys lived happily ever after?”
“But daddy lives with Miss Kristin now and you live alone.”
GOOD MORNING Y’ALL.
When I've done things like this my daughter looks a me and mutters "Bang...Klippty Klop" I asked her what that meant and she replied "That's the sound of you falling off your high horse, and it leaving without you"— Vanurtle (@Vanurtle) January 28, 2020
I was singing You Are My Sunshine to my 3 year old and he told me he hates that song. I said that's a shame because I use to sing it to him when he was in my tummy before he was born and he looked me dead in the eyes and said "I hated it then too".— Al (@AliceTaylorM) December 12, 2021
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 8, 2020
4-year-old: Can we get a kitten?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 25, 2016
Me: I'm allergic. We can't be in the same house.
4: You could sleep outside.
We're watching Shrek as a family and at the moment when Fiona turned from a woman into an ogre, my 2yo pointed to the TV and said "now she's a mom."— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) May 15, 2022
Me: u won’t know how to ride a bike right away. Takes practice— Sabaa Tahir (@sabaatahir) March 18, 2019
Me: took me many tries.
7yo: can I try now?
Me: be patient
7yo: Mama, can I try PLEASE
Me: be prepared to eat it
7yo: 🙄🙄 *gets on bike* *rides away*
7yo: *yells* u were not as smart as me maybe
my daughter asked why she can’t just quit school and i told her it’s against the law and they’ll put me in jail and my sweet sweet child looked me in the eye and said “i’ll visit you”— ceciATL (@CeciATL) January 28, 2021
No where in parenting books did it say that my 4 year old was going to exclaim, “your front butt has a too much hair on it” in a public bathroom.— Your Favorite Gay Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) December 12, 2020
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World's Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”— RM (@dorsalstream) June 16, 2019
4: Mommy, you're just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.— Marl (@Marlebean) April 17, 2014
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Me: I think you're going through a growth spurt.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 1, 2022
Me: You're eating more.
7: No. Your cooking just got less bad.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla— todd dillard (@toddedillard) March 3, 2021
Me: *irons my shirt*— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 18, 2022
6-year-old: Why are you doing that?
Me: I don't like wrinkles.
6: What about the ones on your face?