10 women share some uncomfortable yet important truths about reality of marriage

Marriage takes effort.

While marriage may seem ideal to many, it comes with harsh realities that often go unspoken. Misconceptions about marriage abound, and many only confront these truths after tying the knot. As individual priorities shift over time, couples must work together to navigate these changes, often leading to conflict. Reddit user u/Zealousideal-Tale488 asked women, "What are some brutal marriage truths that are not commonly mentioned?" Here are 10 of the most thought-provoking responses.

1. Being left by husbands because of disease.

Wives are more likely to get left by their husbands when diagnosed with terminal or seriously life-altering illnesses. Self-reported reasons include “I don’t want to take care of her for the rest of my life”, “I have needs she won't be able to meet while sick," and “I don’t want to go broke paying for all her medical bills.” u/Legitimate_Ranger583. I dated a guy who left his long-term (but not married) girlfriend about a year to 18 months after she was diagnosed with cancer and was disabled from it. I was told “fell out of love” but I always suspected there was more to it considering the timing. u/okeydokeyartichokeyy

2. Changes that come with pregnancy.

Pregnancy and childbirth are horrendous on a woman's body and are often used by abusers as a control tactic to make it harder for her to leave. Honestly, girls, if he's pushing you to get a bun in the oven earlier than you would like to, think about what other controlling behavior you might be brushing off or excusing. u/Overall_Detail7716. My husband is the opposite. Told everyone he wanted kids. Now we have 2 under 2 and he tells me all the time that I should have aborted. Now he’s “stuck” co-parenting two little ones that he tolerates and cannot stand half the time. Meanwhile, everyone gives him praise for how he’s an excellent father. Guess my lesson learned here was that you can’t trust what anyone says anymore. I feel bad for my babies. u/Altruistic-Bad2871

3. That women put in more work.

No matter how evolved your man is, it's rarely ever going to be a 50/50 split of effort in the marriage. More often than not, the woman puts in more work. u/DreamStunning9223. When a woman gets married, on average she takes on 7 more hours/week of housework. u/PeanutPupper.  50/50 doesn’t exist. u/denamesheather. 50/50 shouldn’t exist. it should be the 2 putting in 100% and when one falls behind the other one needs to be there to help them. What you people call a healthy relationship makes me sad. u/Cheap-Class7869

4. The conditionality of love.

Love is absolutely conditional. u/badboyfreud. As it should be. It's one thing to say "I don't believe you would ever do something that would make me stop loving you," you can say "These imperfections will not make me stop loving you," but it's nonsense to say that there's nothing another person could do that would make you stop wanting to be with them. u/n0adrenaline. I feel like love is two parts: feelings and actions. I can't control my feelings so it's possible for me to feel love for someone unconditionally. But the actions part, is under my control. And there are many things my husband could do that would lead me to withhold actions of love. u/tsh87

5. People want to know when they will have kids.

Once you get married, people just want to know when you are gonna have kids. They will ask from the day you get married. u/EyesLikeDiamonds127. My literal FIRST conversation with my mother-in-law after the wedding she told me to let her know “when” we started trying to have a baby so she could move closer to us. We already aren’t sure if we want kids or not, and I don’t think she realized how much the thought of her moving nearby is actually a deterrent lmao. u/tufflepuff

6. There will be problems.

You'll never love everything about your partner. There will be things that annoy you and vice versa. u/GrizzlyMommaMT. And years later the things that you initially found cute and sweet may annoy the crap out of you or lead to problems. u/hey_nonny_mooses. My husband is very musical. He sings beautifully and likes to try different instruments. If I listen to a song ONCE, I will be hearing it out of his mouth constantly for at least three days. It gets stuck in his head and he sings it without thinking or noticing. It's a good thing he's cute. u/blendedchaitea

7. Worst-case scenario preparedness.

Think about the worst things that can befall a married couple/family: infidelity, death of a child, severe illness, disability, job loss, bankruptcy, etc. More than one of these will happen over the course of your marriage. Do you see your partner managing them? What about you? u/apostate456. This is so thoughtful and spot on. Thanks. u/AdrianeThread. Best response on here. u/glowgrl123

8. Married women making less money.

Married women get paid less. Reddit. I saw on social media a woman giving a tip about taking off your wedding ring before an interview/not mentioning a spouse or kids etc. I figured hey why not try it? I went on 5 rounds of interviews at my current job without mentioning my husband or kids. Once I got the job and mentioned my family I felt better about it. Anyway, months later my coworker and I were talking about our interview process and I mentioned how I did this. She said she mentioned her kids right away and one thing the HR woman said to her was, “You might need to hire a nanny as we start work at 8 and you mentioned dropping your kid off at the bus stop at 8:45.” Mind you, we work from home. u/rodrigueznati1124

9. You will go through phases in marriage.

Marriages have peaks and valleys. You'll go through phases where you can't stand each other. u/highly_uncertain. Hah, Michelle Obama talked about this in a recent interview! She said she couldn’t stand Barack for like a decade. u/Itsthelegendarydays_. This is literally why vows were included in marriage. As a society, we don't take them as seriously now, but once upon a time, it meant a great deal. No one has to vow to stay with someone when there are only ever happy feels. The vows were meant to be a reminder for when things were crappy. The first one is better or worse. That includes the, I want to kill you for breathing parts. u/JadeFox1785

10. Divorce does not necessarily mean failure.

Ending a marriage in divorce does not mean the marriage is a failure. I see too many people believing the length of a marriage is equal to its success. But in my opinion, the success is based on the love between the two people. My husband is my best friend. I intend to be with him for the rest of my life but I would rather leave him and still love him than stay married while hating him. u/tsh87. This is true of my ex and I. We are happier hanging out together again and we are great co-parents. Our marriage was wonderful at times, but we began to lose that and it needed to end. I'm grateful every day we divorced. He is still my best friend, now we just got his lovely fiance and my boyfriend. u/Zephyr_Bronte

Editor's note: This article was originally published on October 31, 2023. It has since been updated.