10 problems and concerns of men while navigating the complex world of modern dating

Men and modern dating 

While modern dating can be challenging for both men and women, each side has its own set of unique problems. Gender dynamics have drastically changed, along with evolving societal norms. Add to this, the presence of online dating which has brought in a whole lot of other changes. Men now struggle with new challenges such as striking a balance between traditional chivalry and respecting women's independence. A Reddit user asked men in the community, "Men of Reddit, what's the most frustrating problem you've come across in modern dating?" Here are 10 of the most insightful answers that they had to provide.

1. The pace of dating 

The only issue I've had is in gauging how quickly to escalate. Some women seem to lose interest if you move too slowly and others get turned off if you push too quickly. Online dating really exaggerates this because you can't get feedback from body language during the conversation. Yeah, I think too many guys overthink it though. As the pics in my profile will attest, I'm a pretty average-looking guy, yet I've had really good success just being open about it. Online dating headaches are universal, so once I started addressing these issues with the individuals I talked to it becomes surprisingly easy to just ask what they want. I also changed my profile to explicitly state I prefer to get to know someone in person and provided a list of date ideas ranging from the classic dinner date to weird stuff like obstacle courses. u/WakeoftheStorm

2. The dehumanization of it all 

I love these comments. Dating really is dehumanizing. u/Frank_Cy.  Tell me about it. Last weekend I took my then girlfriend on a trip to London for her birthday. Bought her gifts, paid for accommodation in the center of the city, paid for nice food with a view and bought tickets to her favorite musical, the whole works. I spent a lot of money (to me) on this trip. My reward for all of this was a lengthy text saying how she thinks we’re completely different, have nothing in common, that she doesn’t like spending time with me, and that we shouldn’t see each other anymore. It’s just so frustrating and quite upsetting. I’d been single and on dating apps for 3+ years before I met her. At this point, I’ve pretty much resigned myself to being permanently single instead of going back on dating apps again. u/TheEmbarassed18

3. Mixed signals 

That women want you to approach them but are unapproachable at the same time. u/__shadow_wolf__. This, the chase is just so dehumanizing. Like sure there will be passion, romance and chemistry but it's always after some kind of standoff that feels like an interrogation. I'd give any woman the world if they just made me feel wanted instead of competing for her attention. Reddit. I had a very attractive woman say the dumbest thing in a bar to me. I said, "You have it so easy, men just come up and talk to you. You don't have to make any effort." She said, "But you get to choose who to talk to." I was dumbfounded. Like, who's stopping you from talking to the one you want? u/spozeicandothis.

4. Ghosting 

How often do women ghost? I don't much care about getting rejected, sure it sucks but it's an expectation we have going into dating, it's going to happen quite a lot. But for the love of god, reject me in any way except for ghosting. At least if I get blocked, insulted, or politely put down, I know the other person's intentions and can move on with my life. If I'm ghosted out of the blue, I have no way of knowing if the other person has moved on, is just too busy to contact me, or is playing hard to get. I'd take getting directly rejected 100 times over the ambiguity of getting ghosted by someone I was interested in. Obviously ghosting is acceptable if the other person doesn't take no for an answer or otherwise makes you uncomfortable. u/Splaaaty

5. The chasing 

Girls think that I am supposed to chase them. Jump through hoops to gain their approval. Nope. I match your energy and if you don't reciprocate I have zero patience for it. If they were genuinely interested they would put in tons more effort. u/habbo311. I’ve experienced this lately as a bisexual woman - talking to men, I almost always get equal feedback and conversation. 9/10 times I feel if I ask a man out or start a conversation, I will get a straight-up yes or no. The women I’ve tried to talk to/pick up always make me do 90% of the work in the conversation and then get flaky when I ask them out. Especially online, either get ghosted or “maybe”d. Trying to find a woman that doesn’t automatically make me the dominant “chaser” has been really tough. u/doobtownn

6. The sheer confusion 

I tend to feel like I’m in a psych ward. You know how talking too much = anxiety, taking not enough = depression? Everything you do is the wrong thing to do. If I chase when it’s not wanted, I’m seen as obsessed. If I don’t chase when it’s wanted, I’m seen as uninterested. But I am completely unable to tell who wants to be chased and doesn’t want to and asking for clarification is kinda taboo. So it’s kind of a guessing game but if I screw up, the gossip could spread to future potential partners. So a lot of us lean toward “Better safe than sorry” meaning we don’t ask. But then women think we don’t like them or care about them or whatever. Idk if you can understand how this would drive someone crazy trying to navigate this. I’ve had the most success being detached and only pursuing women who express enough interest in me that it’s distinguishable from friendliness because that takes the guesswork out of it. u/Fragrant-Mousse-6613

7. "Guys don't want to chase, they want to play Tag"

A lot of my gal pals are in relationships that they're absolutely miserable in (for example: she has to lie to her boyfriend to hang out with literally anyone because "she's bi and she could cheat on him with anyone"), but won't leave because it's "better than nothing and they're waiting for someone better to come along." I almost died from the looks alone when I asked if "someone better" was the type of person who went after a woman in a committed relationship. As for chasing a woman after she turns me down, absolutely not. You all spent the last 10 years drilling into our heads that No Means No and if you say No that's that. A woman put it best: "Guys don't want to chase, they want to play Tag. You need to chase them too." u/Slarg232

8. Too many expectations 

Nobody can be something 100% of the time. Like there’s this one-dimensional set of traits that feel like they’re desired in men and none of us are actually capable of fulfilling them all the time. Just like it’s an impossible standard for any woman to look like a 25-year-old big titty goth gf forever, it’s impossible for men to be Edward Cullen or Christian Grey or Prince Charming all the time. Sometimes we just don’t make more money than you, sometimes we can’t pay for things, sometimes we need you to be the one to drive or lift something heavy, sometimes we feel more vulnerable or have a trauma/fear that you don’t, etc. It just feels like there’s this realization that the role of “woman” is an incredibly unfair and suffocating box to be put in all the time but there’s not as much attention paid to the fact that, regardless of who has it worse, “man” is a suffocating and unfair role too. Life is too complicated to always be able to fulfill any given checklist of attributes. Sometimes, you’ll be stronger/better/win, etc. Sometimes, we’ll be weaker/worse/lose, etc. I wish accepting those sorts of circumstances was more common. u/Warm_Gur8832

9. Knowing what a woman wants

From my perspective as a man, it is extremely difficult to know what a woman wants. So the chase is off the table because it is an extreme gamble of either successfully getting a date or being labeled a creep. The chase should not be a thing because, as a guy, I will play it better safe than sorry. Communication is necessary. Don't make it harder by expecting me to understand vague hints. Direct communication is the best way to get what you want. My gripe with dating apps is that a majority of women's profiles just have their Snapchat or Instagram handles, and they expect me to text them on those apps. Why the heck should I have to use another app's texting feature when one exists on the dating app? u/Zurg0Thrax

10. Forced pursuing 

I went out with a woman a few times and enjoyed her company. She told me she was casually seeing a few guys. So I backed off. That’s not my thing. She later reached out again and expressed that she considered herself “old school” and that I needed to pursue her if I wanted it to happen. I told her that I don’t chase women. Especially one that is not giving me her undivided attention. I’m not going to compete for her affection, I’d rather be alone. u/Stuck_at_Work_Till_5. Makes me feel so worthless and replaceable. Just destined to be someone’s backup plan. u/UnluckyStartingStats